A Stranger World
A naive young wordsmith from a country village must face down the dark and callous aspects of humanity to rescue his childhood friend, kidnapped years earlier, and bring down the criminal organisation which has subjugated her
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Hello,
As far as I’m concerned I think you should avoid this kind of expression: “the dark and callous aspects of humanity”. It’s too vague.
I think you should include the incident that ignites the story (it can’t be the kidnapping because it happened “years before”); the incident could make the logline more powerful.
I have a problem with the term wordsmith?: it doesn?t help me to understand the character ? is him a young journalist?
Thanks! I was having issues with both those aspects:
His childhood friend is kidnapped from their village and presumed dead/lost but, 10 years later, whilst living in the city, he randomly spots one of the kidnapping suspects and follows him, discovering the plight of his friend.
The “dark & callous” section was to highlight his naivety and how he is a bit of a “fish-out-of-water” in the big city. He had grown up in a small idillllic village and had innocent preconceptions of how the world works and the nature of people, and these are all shattered during his journey.
As for the “wordsmith” factor, he is young idealistic storyteller/poet/philosophical thinker/scientifically minded/ intellectual/ type. He is yet to settle in a specific vocation and is eking out a living where he can. I’m yet to work out an concise description as yet… any suggestions?
What’s the setting in terms of time and place?
In addition to the above comments best to raise the stakes. Instead of childhood friend from years before can it be a brother or love of his life?
Also I find it a bit difficult to believe that he remembers what one of the suspects looks like well enough to spot him out of a crowd and be convinced that he is one of the suspects. Further if this is the inciting incident unless there are a series of flash backs or a prologue to explain the context it won’t have any impact on the viewing audience.
I suggest re thinking the plot as it may have a few fundamental problems in it as it is now.
Hope this helps.
dpg: I was under the impression that loglines were supposed to be generally ‘unaffected’ by time and place (unless it is critical to the storyline)?
Nir: Its loosely based on historical figures, so the relationship between the two is somewhat set.
The ‘suspect’ he recognises is very distinct in character, and the tone is stylistically exaggerated, so most characters are a bit ‘larger than life’. As you said, there is an entire establishing section at the start, which shows his idillic childhood and the traumatic events surrounding her kidnapping.
There are several things happening in the story.
#1, the protagonist must find the courage and confidence to step out of his usual “observer” role and act decisively, which is usually out of his character.
#2, he must convince his childhood friend, who has resigned herself to her fate, that there is still hope and she can escape and fight back.
#3, he must stand up against powerful social figures to whom he usually cowers and defers and realise his own potential significance and ability to bring about systemic change in society.
>>I was under the impression that loglines were supposed to be generally ?unaffected? by time and place (unless it is critical to the storyline)?
Depends. If it’s not set in contemporary times or set in an foreign culture where a traditional social system still prevails over a modern one, movie makers would appreciate a heads up to that effect. Because it impacts the calculus in the decision to even read the script: costumes, props and locations for stories set in the past or foreign locations cost more.
And what is her fate? Has she been forced to work as a prostitute? That’s a specific detail that might belong in the logline because it ups the ante, the moral outrage and stakes, provides an even stronger inciting incident to flip a passive character into active mode.
“Based on historical figures”… Even if I’m not 100% agree with the necessity to make the kidnapped a brother or girlfriend (but I’m 100% agree with the necessity to raise the stakes), you don’t have to be faithful to “historical figures”, especially at this point of development. In “beautiful mind” they made one wife out of two wives for the main character. You can stay true to the emotional reality and not to the factual reality (syd field). Again, Especially At This Point of Development.
About the setting and time, I agree that in your case you have to make things clear because me too I’m confused about what movie I?m going to see: a boy in a small town who face the kidnapping of a friend? A grown up man who comes back to his town and investigates an old kidnapping case? Is it a sort of Mystic River? It was a very difficult film to capture with a logline. You have a lot of work to do.
Anyway, you have to rewrite your logline to make clear what the movie is about. Why the main character doesn’t simply call the police 🙂 ?
Thanks for all the advice so far!
Ok….Its set at the end of the 19th Century, in England (village in country, followed by London)
The childhood kidnapping in a small village is an incidental event and part of the backstory which permits for the main catalyst later in the piece.
Years later, he is a wide eyed and idealistic youth who moves to the big city, living with a bohemian commune, in a very passive, observer role, simply enjoying absorbing the achievements and stimulation of the talented people around him. (possibly forced out into the ‘real world’ by his family who consider him to be too fanciful and lacking in ambition)
He then, by chance spots the ‘suspect’ and unsure of the reliability of his own recollections, and somewhat simply from curiosity, he follows the perp, only to discover that his friend is still alive and soon to be at the age in which she’ll be forced into prostitution. The rest of the story is the rescue, exposure and dismantling of the extensive criminal organisation, and a conspiracy which proves to be much larger, rising even into the echelons of the aristocracy.
Over the course of the movie he makes the change from someone who passively observes, and believes they are too small to have any impact on society, to the realisation that it is only he who can save his society from its final plunge into complete depravity.
His friend makes the transition from being a downtrodden slave, resigned to her fate, into a fierce heroine who is dedicated to punishing those who wronged her and preventing them from perpetrating the same on others.
——
“…the protagonist must find the courage and confidence to step out of his usual observer? role and act decisively, which is usually out of his character.”
This is a great inner journey so best to use it to drive the story. As mentioned true to fact or not is irrelevant best to tell a compelling story than one that happened the same underlying message will come through regardless. This happens using the inner journey in a significant manner.
I still think the idea of remembering even distinct facial features many years later is not enough to prompt someone to follow a stranger around town. Also the stakes still don’t seam high enough.
Perhaps to resolve both of these issues you make him bare witness to the kidnaping but due to his nature i.e his flaw he was unable to save the girl. I would also make her his child hood sweetheart or sister as appose to a generic girl to help raise the stakes even more.
Then you can structure an inner journey by which he must learn to overcome fear and become confident to stop being an observer and take action before he can achieve his outer journey goal of saving the girl. Also you resolve the potential plot hole of remembering the face of a suspect as appose to it being a significant event that confirms the man’s guilt.
“An unassuming young intellectual must face off with the 19th Century’s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family”
This draft of the logline describes a more credible scenario and a story with more detail than the first draft. However the descriptions are still too vague for a logline and dilute the impact of the characters in the plot.
“An unassuming young intellectual?” could mean a variety of things and doesn’t describe the MC in such a way that makes the reader understand how the journey ahead will be both challenging and important for him to go on. Define him as a poet, author or accountant so the reader knows what his normal state of being is. Then add a character description that illustrates a flaw such as an agoraphobe, OCD or introverted especially considering the times these would be particularly difficult to live with.
“?face off with?” is too vague a description for the main action the MC will take in the story. Better to be specific in a logline, what will he do to defeat the bad guy? Will he fight him to the death? Will he set him up to be arrested? Will he climb the ranks of the organisation and take over?
“Greatest criminal kingpin?” could be used to describe Don Corleone, Tony Soprano or Gus Fring. Problem is there have been so many of them already you really need to be specific in your description of the antagonist. What makes this criminal genius unique and to that matter an even greater obstacle for the MC?
Lastly in log lines you want to state facts about the story define what goes on not could or may happen. Instead of “?may lead all the way to the Royal Family.” use “?that leads all the way to the Royal family.”