Second Time Around
KnightriderMentor
A low-level thief goes back in time to alter his family’s life for the better, but discovers his changes have created a new timeline where his wife is dead. As he attempts to reset the timeline, he’ll find himself hunted by his powerful alternate self who’s determined to hold onto this new future.
Share
Ok, good story, but I have seen to many of these logline’s/stories. But yes, I liked Looper( and Surrogates which should have been in the virtual reality part). My guess is your faforite actor is Bruce Willis and your faforite movie is Unbreakable….
… I mean ‘favorite’.
Na, I liked him in the first Die Hard movie, as back then I saw him as a modern day John Wayne, and the building he was fighting in was just another take on the Old Western Town where the bad guys role in and terrorise the town’s folk.
For me personally, I wanted to almost do a twist on the Christmas Carol, where he sees his future, his past and what it will be like if he doesn’t change, but I was also inspired by A Wonderful Life, so I also wanted to show an element of being shown a world where apparently he has gotten everything e has ever dreamed of, but never actually earned any of it, and how that has truly eaten away at him over the years to know he is a fraud, and because of this the society he helped build began to crumble and tear at the seems.
So, I don’t want him to be a wise cracking guy, however he has to be that everyman embodiment, that person we can relate to because we have all tried to be something, accomplish something and felt the seemingly impossible odds against us, this is the story of someone who finally learns that the only way he is every going to be something is by learning to never fear failure, and to dust him self off whenever he falls and persevere when others around him give up.
The plot is unclear as a result of the structure in the logline and cluttering details.
“A “Never Try, Never Fail” type?” – is a strange description for the MC can you use a shorter and more specific description? Perhaps describe his job or position in society as well.
“… is given the chance to alter his mediocre life when he is visited by his future self,?” – If the inciting incident is his future self visiting him, there is no need for the first part of this sentence. You can start the logline with: After being visited by his future self? then give a short character description and get into the action.
“?they’ll only have 48hours to reset the timeline before Earth’s fate is sealed.” – there is no direct cause and effect relationship between this goal and the inciting incident. When I read “…is visited by his future self?” I strait away thought, as previously mentioned, Bruce Willis from “Looper” or Biff from Back to The Future. But reading about sealing Earths fate was entirely out of the blue.
Lastly the stakes are not clear, what does “…before Earth’s fate is sealed.” mean? Will the Earth blow up? Will the people of Earth be taken over be war lords? What is the big bad thing the MC will fight to stop?
Hope this helps.
The math on this is way too complicated and at the moment, I don’t know how to simplify it.
I suggest that the reason he goes back in time should not be for himself but for the love of his life; he wants to become a winner who can offer her the life she deserves. Only to discover his new life as a winner entails losing the one thing he loved in his old life. Be careful what you wish for.