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A novice hit woman accidentally kills her first employer and now must take out an avenging mob when they threaten to kill her family and relatives.
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I like the concept and the logline too. I do wonder if a little ‘color’ can be added. The structure of the logline is sound so it’s hard to tinker with. Just an example, what if it led with “An inexperienced, [ADJECTIVE] hit woman accidentally kills…” The adjective is whatever primarily describes the character.
You could cut out additional verbage by using “an avenging mob hellbent on killing her and her family.” Using the word ‘threaten’ seems unnecessary. Is the avenging mob a mafia family? If so, what nationality? You could say “Italian mob” or “Irish mob” or whatever it is.
I second the recommendation to take out ‘and relatives’, its unnecessary words that could be used for something else. I am guessing this is a black comedy-type movie?
Okay sharkeatingman…i will heed your warning. I do like the shorter version without giving away too much about the story.
Change it back- immediately! I can’t sit idly by and watch someone destroy what was once close to perfect (in my opinion, of course). If this great concept is ignored because of a bad logline, I’ll shoot you myself! 😉
Thank you sharkeatingman for your comments. I was pretty excited about the idea when I came up with it and eagerly starting coming up with an outline for the script. Good points on the grammatical improvements – I will update accordingly.
Thanks for the feedback Kriss – below is an update to help make it more interesting. Although I think it is too long.
To support her lavish lifestyle a model becomes a hit woman and accidentally kills her first employer – a notorious mob boss. When the mob threatens to kill her entire family she must enlist the aid of her trainer – the Iceman.
My first reaction was “Brilliant- both concept and logline!” Can it be improved upon? Perhaps (I would change “take out” to “take on”), but I don’t think it could be improved overall enough to even touch it (with the possible exception of “on” for “out”).
The concept is what blows me away- pun intended. It is so simple, so basic, that if it hasn’t been done before, I’d be shocked. But if it hasn’t, I predict, if written well and as a comedy (or even dark comedy), it will draw a tremendous amount of interest ($$$). Making the hit man a woman is an excellent twist as well. I see it as a real accident, meeting with the Godfather, and when checking the gun, having it accidentally go off, hitting him square between the eyes. There are so many ways this can go, and you immediately see the story in the one sentence.
I’m jealous! Great job.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
This does give us the story line but does feel very flat. It needs something to make it more riveting and stand out. Has she got a new born baby? Is her employer a deadly guy the police have been tracking for years? Why has she become a hit woman?
It just needs something to make it stand out from the crowd, also family and relatives kind of means the same thing so one of these can be taken away.