Father Goode
rkellerPenpusher
A once indulgent father now battles his spoiled children who are stealing his retirement money.
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Indulgent of his children, or self-indulgent? One is certainly more sympathetic than the other! I assume ‘spoiled children’ means the former – but maybe it could be clearer?
The sentence construct in this logline is not clear and the irony it eludes to is lost.
Secondly this logline doesn’t describe a plot, what does the father specifically want to achieve? Get the money his kids spent back from them? Teach them a lesson? Either way how will he do that? This should be described in the logline.
Lastly, why now? Why not a year ago? What event compelled him to need to battle his kids? What is his inciting incident?
Hope this helps.
Even if you don’t want to cover off the inciting incident, it may be good to put it into a scenario to give it context. ?What is motivating his battle with his children? ?Perhaps just a “After discovering that adult children have been stealing his retirement money a (potential description) has to do battle (what does that look like) to get his money back.
The “do battle” is that a court room drama or a family fight. ?His he scamming them to get his money back or just arguing his head off. ?Cramming all this into a few lines is very difficult.