A promising young surgeon is appointed by the Queen’s Secret Court to eliminate an alien threat from the slums of London before it destroys the Aristocracy.

I am using the logline as my sole source for this concept [for the same reason why that Geno/Sharkeatingman mentions].

Firstly, isn’t this just a thin copy of BBC’s “Torchwood”? Aliens in London with Pommy heroes?

Threatening the aristocracy, rather than the general population at large, makes the alien(s) much less terrifying and dramatically engaging. Their selectivity almost makes them seem ‘considerate’.

Also, while a civilian surgeon makes for a nicely under-equiped protagonist, there is a big plot logic problem here: If the ruling establishment is being so threatened, why would they not be sending out elite agents, soldiers, or crack ‘alien hunters’ after the ET’s? It’s in their own best self-interest, isn’t it, to send out their best? Their privileged existence is on the line!

Where this story has the most potential, I think, is an alternate-Earth setting (such as Steam Punk). Where the British Empire has continued on into a modern technology setting. Yet this same Empire anachronistically and stubbornly perpetuates old English traditions (such as colonialism, feudalism, racism, etc). In such a milieu, the reader could see that attacking the aristocracy would make a real difference to that society. This same milieu would be ripe with possibilities for political and social commentary as well (a potential bonus selling point).

A completely different option would be to have the aliens working beneath the noses of the the English government. Such that by confining their plots and scheming to the slums of London (at least for phase one and two of their campaign), the aliens are sneakily and insidiously working to undermine and sabotage the British establishment and society in general. In this version, it would make perfect sense for an idealistic young surgeon to stumble upon their plot while doing pro bono work for the poor. And, to make things suitably frustrating for the young doctor, the government does not believe his warnings. So leaving him on his own – with perhaps a few street fighters for allies – to meet and try to stop the threat. [I can see the potential for some delicious “Yes Minster” type scenes, in this case, as the government remains oblivious to the growing threat as the story goes on.]

In summary, I find the basic story concept so intrinsically flawed – at least as presented by the logline as it currently stands – that a major rewrite [or elaboration] of the story is needed before any compelling logline can be even begun.

Steven Fernandez (Judge)

The threat is to the monarchy and Queen, but since it’s through the Secret Court, I felt it better to mention them rather than her. The Royalist community isn’t as strong as it once was and not too many people care about any danger to her.

I wouldn’t have the Queen choose him, because even during the time this is set, she is only a figurehead and doesn’t really “do” the bureaucratic stuff.

The surgeon is the son of a streetwalker, so he is closer connected “emotionally” to the situation.

His disability means he is assisted and somewhat enhanced via a prosthetic hand. Being a surgeon, he is good with knives and a medical background assists him in uncovering the alien threat.

As a sidenote (but not really), originally this was going to be a “dumb action flick”, so when I first thought of this, I figured it would be a good reversal on the Ripper story, but as I add and take away from the story plan, I realise I owe a lot more to the idea than to do that.

I’m still not sure if I want to do this as an ‘alternate past’ or a ‘steampunk future’, my closing scene makes sense if it’s the future, but it changes the genre completely if it’s the past. But that only concerns me as a story writer, not for the logline.

I did resubmit with a few changes, which then became

‘When a disabled surgeon is appointed by the Queen’s Secret Court to investigate murders in the ghettos of Future London, he must destroy an alien threat within the Aristocracy.’

Which based on further feedback became

‘In the ghettos of a future London, a disabled surgeon must save the Queen?s Secret Court from an alien threat within the Aristocracy.’

And from there I’m not sure.