Untitled novel project
A racially maligned orphan prone to violence is unwillingly thrust into politics and must fight for those who have vilified her to avoid civil war as well as protect her friends
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Thanks guys, I appreciate the advice. I’m thinking I may have to scrap this one and try a new one. Will try again later!
Agreed with the above comments time and place seam important in this case and the character description is unnecessarily complicated.
Comment:
Cheers dpg. I had previously passed on putting the setting in as it is a fairly generic fantasy setting, and the worldbuilding side of my writing is definately weaker, so I was trying to avoid a definitive setting that may restrict the rest if the rewrites, but I take your point that it currently looks like it is entirely without setting, whuch detracts from its appeal. I may need to head back to the drawing board for that one.
Regarding ‘racially maligned’, she basically has a horrible childhood of broken bones, bruises, cages etc because of people’s? preconception that she is a savage. Not sure how else to put it in the line and keep it brief though, as its not quite persecuted, and the enslaveme t doesn’t happen until next book! Maybe simply ‘An orphan, bullied through her childhood for her race/skin,’ as an opening?
Europe? The Middle Ages? I would have never guessed that from the logline. Never. And it seems to me that the quasi-historical framework and geography are key elements in the concept. Otherwise as currently stated in the logline, the concept is contextually vague; it could take place any time, any where. Which is to say, it doesn’t stand out; there doesn’t seem to be any unique hook or twist.
And what does “racially maligned” mean? It sounds like a euphemism for persecution, maybe enslavement. Why not explicitly state the race and the explicit state the nature of the orphan’s predicament?
Fantasy setting, various levels of technology, but generally, equivilent with 1100-1400 AD Europe.
Where/when is the story set?
Thanks Nir.
Regarding the civil war/protect her friends, I’ve had similar feedback from the off-line realm, so I’ll cut that out of the line. Regarding the politics side, the connection is complex, and I’m not sure it even belongs in the logline anymore. Therefore, revised line:
A racially maligned orphan prone to must fight for those who have vilified her to avoid civil war
Not sure if this is too simple though, would appreciate any thoughts.
As this is for a novel not the screen I think the most useful feedback I can give relates to the plot alone.
I think the connection between the potential civil war and her being pushed into politics needs explaining. Also protecting her friends in my mind pales in comparison to preventing civil war as a lesser secondary goal it doesn’t need mentioning at such an early stage.
Hope this helps.