Penpusher
Posted: 2017-09-13T06:53:19+10:00 In:

A relief party of argonauts is assembled to reestablish correspondence with a gold claim in the mountains of California where a terrible beast sentinels a vast fortune.

A relief party of argonauts is assembled to reestablish correspondence with a gold claim in the mountains of California where a terrible beast sentinels a vast fortune.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      This will sound harsh. The logline is about your story not about you. You can write the crap out of a sentence but I don’t know exactly what the story is about.

      • 0
    2. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Write your logs for the layman.

      • 0
    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      What is a relief party of Argonauts?

      How do you sentinel a vast fortune?

      What connects this story to the audience? What is the hook?

      • 0
    4. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >> “reestablish correspondence with a gold claim…”

      What does that mean? ??What is that supposed to accomplish?

      And after they do reestablish correspondence — whatever that means — ?then what? ?What is the specific objective goal? ?And who among the relief party is the leader? ?Who is the protagonist?

      >> “sentinels”

      Better to just say “guards”.

      • 0