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kid_gokuuLogliner
New Update feedback is much appreciated: A yakuza assassin defects after accepting a mission to escort a mysterious young girl. Uncovering her past, his mission becomes a desperate plight to save her.
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>>>He?s saving her from other yakuza members because the girl is an important commodity to them.
Commodity for what purpose? To be exploited as a prostitute? The logline needs to be more specific as to the nature of her jeopardy.
And what is so special about this girl that induces the protagonist to violate his loyalty to the yakuza? Surely she is not the first girl to be “commodified”.? And surely he is not so naive as to not know that such commodification is part of the yakuza’s stock and trade.
So why this particular girl? And why now?
I do think this logline could be tightened up a little bit.
Basically, you just need to let us know what is threatening the girl.
In other words, if saving the girl is the goal, then the movie starts when the girl is threatened. (I mean a specific threat that the reader can visualize)
But I like the premise. These types of stories are usually fun, the tough guy who gets paired with a (Usually wisecracking ) kid.
>>>>becomes a desperate plight to save her
Save her from whom? Who is the foe, the antagonist that must be defeated? And what makes her so special that she needs an escort?
Why must he undertake the mission?? Is it to win his freedom (finally) from the yakuza?? If so, then I suggest the logline say so.? If not, what are the stakes? What does he stand to? lose if he fails to escort the girl?
And where is he escorting her to any way?? What is the destination, the objective goal of escorting her?
Who is trying to escape?? The girl?? The assassin?? Both?
I would change ‘returns to the underworld for one last mission that will ensure his freedom’. Currently, it is too many words and could be explained a lot quicker. Also, I find the word ‘underworld’ too confusing and should be made clearer. I understood it soon as I read it, though after thinking more on it it does make me think he could be in literal Hell. This part of your opening sentence also reminds me too much of the plot to ‘John Wick’.
I like ‘treacherous plight’, though I would explain instead what actually he has to survive from. I would delete who he’s on the run from, and add in more of his struggles he has to go through.
Sounds like an intriguing story, but I’d try to shorten the logline and make it more active – something more like:
When an ex-yakuza assassin takes on one last mission to to escort a mysterious young girl to (safety? A location?). he must (battle? destroy? outwit?) his ruthless bosses and a rogue government agency to finally earn his freedom.