A self-focused haematologist battles thousands of enemies to reach her boyfriend and save their relationship after learning he plans to dump her when he returns from a week long live-action role-playing tournament.

Thanks for the feedback guys. I apologise for the wall of text. Brace yourselves.

andrewclau – are you able to elaborate on what you found confusing about the logline. I re-read it, and I start with a protagonist, I define the goal, then I provide the stakes and an explanation as to “why?” It reads OK to me … but maybe I’ve just looked at it for too long. Obviously I want it to be clear on first reading.
I picked a haematologist for a few reasons. The first is that I have a character who will need to learn to consider other people; their hopes and dreams and desires, before the end of the story. I thought a doctor would be a good protagonist for a character who is very self and goal focused, and it’s believable and reasonable to assume that a young doctor may put more time and effort into their work than they would their relationship. At the same time, I wanted a character who would always see themselves as the solution to the problem; and a tactical revelations she will have before the end of the story is that in order to take on a substantially superior force, she will need to use subterfuge – a haematologist, particularly with some experience of chemotherapy, would understand that the way cancer works is it gets into a system and then just multiplies. She translates this as a need to sew descent amongst the ranks of the “evil” army in the game.
I definitely intend for the film to be about a character learning all of these things; “she needs to prove that she can work with other people, actually be caring of others?” But to make the story about her needing to win the competition kills what it’s actually about; she doesn’t CARE about the competition, but she learns to over the course of the story. Winning it is not important. What IS important is that it’s one of her boyfriend’s interests, and she should respect that.
100% agree with you re: the inciting incident. I need to find a new way to reword it to make it clear that him planning to dump her is something that is revealed to her, not something that she actively discovers. The time clock doesn’t work for the story if he has already dumped her, unfortunately – I don’t believe this would compel a character to travel to Europe to compete in a tournament to “get him back” … because in that scenario the protagonist comes off as desperate and a little unhinged. If she finds out he INTENDS to break up with her upon returning from the tournament, the protagonist would consider that there’s still time to fix prior mistakes and save the relationship.

dpg – last time I posted this logline, the overwhelming response was that no-one knew what LARPing was. So I’m going to avoid using it as an acronym in the logline. So I definitely don’t want to use it three times.
You’ve suggested changing the character to a “shy, meek woman” as opposed to a “self-focused haematologist”. Aside from disagreeing with the idea that her defining characteristic is her gender, do you guys think that as well as describing a flaw (which inherently implies the character will have to OVERCOME this flaw before their goal can be achieved), it’s also necessary to state what the character will learn over the course of the story? (andrewclau, you suggested including “show that she cares about him” and dpg you suggested “discovers her inner warrior”). Don’t you think that what the protagonist will learn over the course of the story is indicated in the flaw and that any more time spent on it is a waste of word count? Self-focused, to me, suggests that this character is going to have to learn to be more empathetic, less self-focused, in order to achieve her goals. Do the loglines for Jaws or Toy Story explain that the irresponsible sheriff will need to learn responsibility before he can defeat the shark, or the selfish sheriff will need to learn the world doesn’t revolve around him before he can get back to his kid? I guess this is a little more general discussion about loglines, and not this one in particular, but I’m keen to hear your guys’ insight.
I also want to avoid making the story about a woman fighting another woman to win back a man. I don’t get behind that rhetoric for the story; I’d prefer to keep it focused on a journey for the protagonist to reach the person she loves and trying to make amends for past mistakes.

I can see that I sound very petulant above, like I’m really resistant to change, but I don’t believe in making changes to your story just because someone suggests them; they need to make sense in the world of the story and improve the story mechanics, while staying true to the original idea. I want to fine tune the logline for THIS story, not change the story, if I can avoid it. I hope at least my responses are reasonable. They’ve certainly made me solidify my position on certain elements of the story, which in and of itself is an immense help. Thanks.