Bass Haven
kjk3407Penpusher
A sexy movie producer returns home for work and is confronted with the reality of what he left behind.
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Be specific and it will pay off.
“… confronted with the reality of what he left behind” is too vague.
Confronted by the actor he just fired.
Confronted by his wife… and mistress.
“Confronted with reality” doesn’t draw the reader in. Tell us what or who he is confronted with.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Too vague.
Agree, this is far too vague and doesn’t give us an idea of what the story is about. What is the sexy movie producer’s goal and what’s stopping him from achieving it? Begin with these questions when rewriting your logline and your story (and logline) will gain greater shape and focus.
A confused movie producer returns home for work and confronts the old feelings of his ex, while managing to secure a mansion for filming in the course of one crazy night.
The plot is basically Edward (29) a young movie producer from California is back in his home town of Houston for a film scout. At the beginning of the movie he is at a electronic dance music concert with his old friend James (28). The two are drinking and having a good time ogling girls. Edward doesn’t want to work, but his boss calls him and asks him to secure the Mansion for filming TONIGHT and it’s already 8pm. Then he runs into his old girlfriend and they end up hooking up in a porter pottie. James gets too drunk and is arrested for fighting. Edward has a girlfriend in California that flys out to the town and begs him not to leave her. Edward ends up securing the location and moving back home with his family, leaving the California lifestyle behind, and choosing to re-hash it out with his ex now a different person than when he left the first time many years ago. All in the course of one night, ending at 10am. It’s kind of like Superbad but with older people.
From your explanation above, I can’t see any real drama other than two guys having a great night on the town whilst sorting their relationships with current and ex-girlfriends. Just a normal night on the town for most people. There’s no drama. There’s no goals. No goals means no conflict. No conflict means no story.
The only two story elements I get in your description are these:
1) your hero must secure a mansion as a location for his bosses’ next film
2) he’s a ‘family man’ but ‘hooks up’ with his ex-girlfriend
The ingredients are there, you just need to stir them with the correct type of spoon 😉
What you need to do is dramatise (and therefore visualise) your protagonist’s girlfriend issues by somehow tying them into the main goal, i.e. securing the mansion for filming.
Okay, so now your hero has a specific goal – his boss sends him to Houston to meet with the owner of a mansion to secure it for the location of the bosses’ next film. The boss desperately wants this mansion; he’ll settle for nothing else, so failure to secure it will undoubtedly lead to the hero losing his job.
So what’s stopping your hero securing the mansion? His ex-girlfriend owns it, and she’s not letting him have it unless he’s prepared to ‘hook up’ with her again, which, of course, he isn’t because he’s got a family back in California, and he’s also on a tight schedule. If he hasn’t secured the mansion by XXXX time on that day, he’s unemployed. What’s he going to do?
Hi wife worsens the situation when she flies to Houston (either to sort out their marital problems or because she’s arranged to meet him for some R & R after he’s completed the purchase of the mansion. Ooops, what does she catch him doing?
“A family man has one final chance to impress his movie mogul boss when he’s given twenty-four hours to secure a mansion location for a movie, but struggles when he discovers it’s owned by his psycho ex-girlfriend.”
See how the issues between the hero and the ex-girlfriend are now dramatised and made visual? Your hero needs to secure the house for filming (outer goal), but he can only do that by dragging up his past and ‘hooking up’ with her again, which he doesn’t want to do (inner goal), so the only way he can get the house is to confront the past with his ex… ouch. Not only that, he’s also being forced to choose between his family and his career. He’s really got it tough, now.