Death by Blue – Attempt 3
A sheltered young woman defies her controlling father and becomes a bartender for the Russian Mafia, only to discover her irresponsible actions have made her the key element an enigmatic conspiracy needs to take down a mafia boss she's fallen in love with.
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One thing that would improve this logline is to describe the action that the MC must take that drives the throughline of the story. Simply saying that the woman discovers she’s a cog in a conspiracy doesn’t give her a goal for the readers to root for your MC to achieve.
Example:
After discovering she’s a pawn in a planned mafia hit, a sheltered young barmaid struggles to save the life of the man they’re after, and whom she’s fallen in love with – the mafia boss himself.
Needs work but hope this give you an idea.
One thing that would improve this logline is to describe the action that the MC must take that drives the throughline of the story. Simply saying that the woman discovers she’s a cog in a conspiracy doesn’t give her a goal for the readers to root for your MC to achieve.
Example:
After discovering she’s a pawn in a planned mafia hit, a sheltered young barmaid struggles to save the life of the man they’re after, and whom she’s fallen in love with – the mafia boss himself.
Needs work but hope this give you an idea.
Is the MC defiance of her father relevant to the story as a whole? It seams to take up a lot of logline real estate with little contribution to the story at hand.
As Gilgamesh said specify what it is she did that put her in the middle of it all. There is a problem with her actions leading her to start her journey, it makes the inciting incident of her own doing. Better to make the inciting incident happen to her by some one or something else.
There also appears to be a complication with her falling in love. Her loving the boss makes the story’s main action personal for the MC which is good but she is now trying to take down the same person she loves. Why wouldn’t she want to help the boss get away instead of taking him down?
If she is an under cover policewoman then you have a conflict between her heart and her mind, which makes her dilemma interesting. Problem with that is undercover police-people are very strong willed and some of the highest trained personal. I don’t know if she would be believable as a cop that falls in love with the target she is trying to take down.
Is there another person she could fall for that is not the central target?
Hope this helps.
Is the MC defiance of her father relevant to the story as a whole? It seams to take up a lot of logline real estate with little contribution to the story at hand.
As Gilgamesh said specify what it is she did that put her in the middle of it all. There is a problem with her actions leading her to start her journey, it makes the inciting incident of her own doing. Better to make the inciting incident happen to her by some one or something else.
There also appears to be a complication with her falling in love. Her loving the boss makes the story’s main action personal for the MC which is good but she is now trying to take down the same person she loves. Why wouldn’t she want to help the boss get away instead of taking him down?
If she is an under cover policewoman then you have a conflict between her heart and her mind, which makes her dilemma interesting. Problem with that is undercover police-people are very strong willed and some of the highest trained personal. I don’t know if she would be believable as a cop that falls in love with the target she is trying to take down.
Is there another person she could fall for that is not the central target?
Hope this helps.
After reading the logline, I believe the inciting incident is the “Irresponsible actions.” However that’s a vague phrase. You should be more specific.
After sleeping with the mob bosses son
After steeling ten thousand dollars from a made man
What specifically is the “irresponsible action?”
Then tell us what she must do in order to save herself or make up for her actions.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
After reading the logline, I believe the inciting incident is the “Irresponsible actions.” However that’s a vague phrase. You should be more specific.
After sleeping with the mob bosses son
After steeling ten thousand dollars from a made man
What specifically is the “irresponsible action?”
Then tell us what she must do in order to save herself or make up for her actions.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!