Kelsey’s Burden
A single, middle aged, Jr.High teacher that is addicted to Demerol, seeks redemption by trying to save an abused student from a father that happens to be her dealer.
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Interesting premise as it has many layers of sub plots that reflect on each other. The MC being a drug addict seeking redemption is a tricky character as the story will have to work extra hard to justify empathy but seeing as his goal is to save a girl from the same life he has the story has a built in empathy generator.
It would help a lot if the MC’s journey to quit could be directly related to him stopping the girl either that or if the MC would find himself facing a choice of self sacrifice in order to help the girl.
As it stands the logline is missing the starting point what was the inciting incident for him to help the girl?
Also the logline needs leaning up perhaps:
After a drug addicted teacher discovers one of his student injecting heroin he must stop her from ruining her life despite her father being her dealer.
The father character as the antagonist needs more clarification, than I gave in the example above, in his relation to the plot and type of antagonist but this is the structure and length I was referring to.
Hope this helps.
Interesting premise as it has many layers of sub plots that reflect on each other. The MC being a drug addict seeking redemption is a tricky character as the story will have to work extra hard to justify empathy but seeing as his goal is to save a girl from the same life he has the story has a built in empathy generator.
It would help a lot if the MC’s journey to quit could be directly related to him stopping the girl either that or if the MC would find himself facing a choice of self sacrifice in order to help the girl.
As it stands the logline is missing the starting point what was the inciting incident for him to help the girl?
Also the logline needs leaning up perhaps:
After a drug addicted teacher discovers one of his student injecting heroin he must stop her from ruining her life despite her father being her dealer.
The father character as the antagonist needs more clarification, than I gave in the example above, in his relation to the plot and type of antagonist but this is the structure and length I was referring to.
Hope this helps.
Thank you for your time!!!!
Thank you for your time!!!!
Is the teacher aware that the kid’s father is her dealer when he commits to helping the student? Or does she discover that later?
Is the teacher aware that the kid’s father is her dealer when he commits to helping the student? Or does she discover that later?
GREAT log line…Very interesting. I just think it needs to be trimmed and a punch- something like:
“A middle-aged teacher struggling with addiction, seeks redemption by saving one of her students from an abusive father…who turns out to be her dealer.”
I cut out “Jr. High” and “single” because what kind of school isn’t dramatic and most people are single…that’s not dramatic either. Middle aged isn’t exciting but it’s different- so we stayed with that.
That the father is her dealer IS dramatic so I used the old “…” before revealing it to the reader of the log line.
We don’t need to know the type of drug at this point. It’s better the reader imagines what it is (I would imagine it’s heroine).
ALSO: If the teacher is DIVORCED that IS dramatic so, I would change it to:
“A divorced teacher struggling with addiction, seeks redemption by saving one of her students from an abusive father…who turns out to be her dealer.”
GREAT log line…Very interesting. I just think it needs to be trimmed and a punch- something like:
“A middle-aged teacher struggling with addiction, seeks redemption by saving one of her students from an abusive father…who turns out to be her dealer.”
I cut out “Jr. High” and “single” because what kind of school isn’t dramatic and most people are single…that’s not dramatic either. Middle aged isn’t exciting but it’s different- so we stayed with that.
That the father is her dealer IS dramatic so I used the old “…” before revealing it to the reader of the log line.
We don’t need to know the type of drug at this point. It’s better the reader imagines what it is (I would imagine it’s heroine).
ALSO: If the teacher is DIVORCED that IS dramatic so, I would change it to:
“A divorced teacher struggling with addiction, seeks redemption by saving one of her students from an abusive father…who turns out to be her dealer.”
Thank you for the help everyone!!!!!
Thank you for the help everyone!!!!!