A struggling college student, plagued by his current state of being, discovers a device called the “God Helmet” and becomes the test subject for his Professor’s experiment.
radiantfirstPenpusher
A struggling college student, plagued by his current state of being, discovers a device called the “God Helmet” and becomes the test subject for his Professor’s experiment.
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I think this logline is essentially perfect.
Struggling with what? Debt or sanity? Who is his professor and what makes him unique or connected to the story (or even the God’s helmet)? What is the God’s Helmet? What is your protagonists ‘state of being’? So many questions and not a single point is answered which would not sell your story.
Filling in the blanks gives the writer an example.
Using that example they can change things in the logline to fit their own story.
The actual logline will be different but the form will be the same.
Can I ask WHERE y’all are reading that the God Helmet makes someone omnipotent? And how is ‘plagued by’ too vague, while anxious or lack of self-esteem is presumed to be evocative? Y’all can picture anxiety? And where does ‘meek’ figure into ‘plagued by’ – another assumption. There is nothing that suggests the college student is meek.
And don’t even get me started on ‘justice to the underprivileged.’ There is ZERO in that logline to suggest that narrative.
If something is vague it’s not exactly helpful to fill it with your own assumptions and expectations. I believe that’s the opposite of what a Mentor -lol- does.
A struggling college student, plagued by his current state of being,
– This is the description of the student’s psychology, but it doesn’t tell us much about what exactly his condition is. Is he lacking self-esteem? Is he anxious? The description here is awfully vague.
discovers a device called the ?God Helmet?
– This is the story’s inciting incident, or ‘call to adventure’. If you want to imply that he becomes omnipotent, then you can even keep it shorter and write “discovers a ‘god helmet’.
and becomes the test subject for his Professor?s experiment.
– At this stage, we are expecting for the student to RESPOND to this discovery, and DO some ACTION for the rest of the movie. Instead, he becomes passive, and the professor is driving the story. Or else, his becoming the test subject is another Inciting Incident, and we need to know how the student will respond to this.
I don’t see any material for a second act. Therefore, sadly, I don’t see a story (yet).
“When a meek college student discovers a helmet which makes the wearer omnipotent, He begins using it to bring justice to the underprivileged but soon discovers with ultimate power comes ultimate corruption.”
Plagued by his ….. Is too vague. I can’t see what that looks like.
Yeah, what’s a “God Helmet” and what special powers does it give to the person wearing it?
And what is the objective goal of the experiment? ?What outcome does the alienated/frustrated student seek in agreeing to the experiment?
What is the God Helmet? What does main character do after the discovery?
Review the Training tab at the top of the page to get an idea of standard logline structure.
But in a nutshell:
Inciting incident
Goal of protagonist
Method the protagonist uses to achieve that goal.