A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell.
naghuntdworldLogliner
A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell.
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“A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell.” (20 words)
Protagonist: “A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28)” —> No need to include age. Otherwise, this is okay.
Antagonist: Implied to be all of humanity. Is there is specific character who serves as the main antagonist?
Goal: “to change humanity for the better” —> This is vague. Loglines should describe a specific objective. Think of the climax of the story. What will be accomplished at that point? The logline’s goal should describe that.
For example, in “Star Wars”, Luke’s goal may be to defeat the Empire, but his specific objective is to destroy the Death Star.
Inciting incident: ” is resurrected from hell” —> This is okay, but the logline should explicitly describe how this forces him to pursue the goal. Is he given a mission, forced to by the Devil.? The inciting incident should describe the event which absolutely forces the protagonist to pursue his objective goal.
For example, in “Star Wars”, Luke is essentially recruited to join the Rebellion by Ben Kenobi, but he is forced to choose to do so when he finds that his family has been killed by Stormtroopers.
It’s at this moment when he says,??I want to come with you to Alderaan.?There is nothing here for me now.?I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.?(emphasis mine) —> Where is that moment in this story? The moment which forces the protagonist to choose, and forces them to choose to engage in the main conflict.?I analyze these elements in “Star Wars” more in this thread:?https://loglines.org/answer/re-when-a-pirate-a-princess-and-an-outlander-discover-that-their-crystal-necklaces-have-magical-powers-the-three-women-go-on-an-adventure-that-leads-to-saving-the-world-from-darkness-3/
An example, using elements from this logline:?After the Devil orders him to assassinate a dictator, a resurrected soldier must use his hellish powers to face the dictator’s army and kill him. (25 words)
This may not be how your story goes at all, but I tried to use all of the elements of a logline to give you a framework to use for a revision.?
I hope this helps.
There is a timeline problem. When did he sacrifice his soul to hell. How does that relate to the story. I am guessing this is the story.
After selling his soul to hell a marine is resurrected to change humanity for the better and earn his place in heaven. (Perhaps)
One more thing, does being a “Stubborn, US army ex-military pilot” relate to the plot? Because you are using a lot of word space describing your character.
That’s okay if it is significant to the plot. But if it isn’t you might want to cut it down.
I am confused, I guess I’ll just start with the basics. What temporary power does the lead have and how will his powers change humanity for the better?
Not saying this isn’t a good idea. I’m just saying the logline isn’t quite translating the story as well as it could.