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Cameron Pattison
Posted: March 11, 20132013-03-11T13:30:59+10:00 2013-03-11T13:30:59+10:00In: Public

A successful attorney returns to his home town for his mother?s funeral only to discover that his Alzheimer?s-stricken father is suspected of murder and must represent him in court. The ordeal becomes an emotional journey that makes him a better man.

THE JUDGE

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    3 Reviews

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    1. SydneyPaul
      2013-03-11T13:50:32+10:00Added an answer on March 11, 2013 at 1:50 pm

      This is fairly wordy…the second sentence in particular is mostly unnecessary (the ordeal makes him a better man is pretty much the arc we would assume).

      Should the attorney be ‘successful’? If he was, we might be more inclined to think he should be able to deal with this ordeal, so the struggle would not be so great. Perhaps it might be more of a challenge if he was a ‘struggling’ attorney? Or perhaps he is a ‘selfish’ attorney and the ordeal gives him perspective about the importance of family?

      Here is a suggestion which may have some use:
      “When a struggling attorney returns home for his mother?s funeral to find his Alzheimer?s-stricken father is suspected of her murder, he must wage the case of his life to save his family – and himself.”

      Also the title seems strange – it’s not about the judge is it, it’s about the lawyer and/or the case. Perhaps it could be called “The judgement” or…..?

      Cheers

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    2. timmyelliot
      2013-03-11T16:52:25+10:00Added an answer on March 11, 2013 at 4:52 pm

      I like the story.

      Actually, I found myself repeating much of SydneyPaul. I think he nailed it with his comments…

      “only to discover” feels overused.

      The last sentence is unnecessary. A character arc is expected.

      Telling us he’s “successful” isn’t needed. It’s pretty much assumed.

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    3. 2013-03-12T09:01:52+10:00Added an answer on March 12, 2013 at 9:01 am

      I also agree w/ SyndneyPaul. It emphasizes the conflict. bmcwriting

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