Logliner
Posted: 2016-03-02T07:01:56+10:00 In:

A suicidal teen gets abducted from her boring life and is forced to compete in the ninetieth Trials, a three-staged competition that rewards the victor a cognitive transplantation with a coldhearted AI.

A suicidal teen gets abducted from her boring life and is forced to compete in the ninetieth Trials, a three-staged competition that rewards the victor a cognitive transplantation with a coldhearted AI.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Mentor

      I agree with previous comments

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with DPG.

      You could try changing her to volunteering to take part in the Trials. This way, seeing as she is suicidal, her inner journey is to overcome her flaw of wanting to kill her self.? She can learn that her death is not a good solution and chooses to survive the Trials once she’s in. The story needs a new good inciting incident if this is the case though.

      Secondly the description of the Trials as a three stage competition is redundant, all that is important is the outcome of the Trials not their competition structure.

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    3. Singularity

      The? principal problem I see in the logline is that the? teen comes off as helpless victim rather than an active agent in her own fate.

      I presume the coercion entails the threat of death if she refuses to play along in the “Trials”.? But if she does and wins she’s “rewarded” with the death of? her individuality, her?consciousness and personality.

      So?if she refuses to play along, she loses?– and?she plays along and wins, she loses anyway.?? Total bummer!? At least in the Hunger Games, there was a positive incentive for the?winner: ?life and riches.

      Well, if that’s the way you want to run the games, then she needs a positive objective goal even if it is entirely of her making.? The logline needs a protagonist who?may start out as victim but becomes an active agent in her own salvation.

      So, as a result of being trapped in this damned-if-she-does, damned-if-she-doesn’t predicament, what must she do to save her self?? What becomes her objective goal?

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