A team of app developers, on the verge of being shut down, discover an application that shows people when and how they will die.
A team of app developers, on the verge of being shut down, discover an app that shows people how they will die,
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I am sorry if the below reads sarcastic / snarky. I hope you know I mean the below as genuinely constructive criticism.
This was mentioned already by monimata, but worth re-iterating, ‘discover’ is a strange word to use. Does this mean that someone else had already built the app? It’s much more engaging if the main character(s) are the once who set the adventure into motion. So perhaps they could “design” the app? Otherwise … they don’t really need to be app designers at all? And if someone did design it, and they “discover it” it means it’s on the market already, and they’re even more passive characters as they have no vested interest in the app. If it is given to them, as your synopsis says, say that it is given to them in the logline.
The stakes are pretty low if they just don’t have a good app idea between them, and the threat is that they’re going to get shut down. Aren’t they app designers by trade? It’s a shakey business model to start a business selling apps but not have any apps to sell.
From the logline (not the synopsis you provided) it is unclear what the central conflict of the story is. You seem to have described the event that kicks the story into gear, but we don’t know what they are planning to do or not do as a result of receiving this app.
** finally, just want to mention; if you have a scene where a character appears, shows the team an app, and they all somehow telepathically experience the ‘death’ scenario of the character who volunteers, isn’t that the far more exciting technology for them? Collective telepathic experience? Couldn’t that be harnessed into hundreds of far more lucrative business opportunities? Also … how would they know that what they’re seeing is real, and that this is really how the guy dies? I could tell you right now that you’re going to die as an old man in your bed, and i’d have a pretty good chance of being right; but that doesn’t mean I’m a prophet, nor would either of us know if I’m correct for a great many years.
What is an app?
That is a another brilliant story as well. I was too vague in my first description so bare with me I’m new at this. The opening scene begins with the protagonist getting “the” phone call resulting in a shut down of the company unless they give him something worth selling. The next day all four members of the team sit and dispute about the future of their company. All the sudden in walks a man (in all black) offering to sell the guys exactly what they need to continue. He tells the guys he has an application that will change the world. He explains how it works and what it does but no one believes him until he uses one of the four guys as an example. We’ll say the guy who takes part in the example his name is Brad. Brad puts his fingerprint on the tablet (ipad, kindle fire, etc) and the app opens, we are pulled into this world where we see Brad as an old man lying on his death bed surrounded by his family as he dies. The guys are instantly blown away. They’re all on board but want to have a night to think it over. They meet up at a bar and decide if they want to go through with this that they all need to experience the app. They do and that’s when things get crazy, in the end they need to decide whether its worth making money in order to let people discover how they die or abolish this idea all together.
It still needs a lot of work but i hope that clarifies what I’m going for.
Interesting premise.
Is the company shutting down important to the story? If not, leave it off.
“Discover” is too passive.
Who is the main protag? Focusing on a group of characters instead of an individual dilutes the protag’s storyline.
What happens when they discover the app?
Is there a better term for app?
This may not be your story but here’s my take:
When an ambitious software engineer inadvertently develops an app that predicts how and when people will die, he races against time when his wife’s death is foreseen.
Best of luck!