A teen mom is almost old enough to leave home, but her gypsy family criminal ways will make her the victim instead.
Ray Star/ingLogliner
A teen mom is almost old enough to leave home, but her gypsy family criminal ways will make her the victim instead.
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Becoming a victim isn’t a story.
A specific incident where a lead character is victimized causing the lead character to take action, such as, to fight back or to escape is a story.
In what specific way does her family try to make the lead character a victim? What incident are you referring?to and how does the lead character react to it?
For this story, “Luck of the Irish,” she worked as a nurse’s aid for dying woman and once patient died there was a short amount of time to sell the woman’s car before family came looking for it. Listed it on the internet and the man who came to buy it asked her to go inside to get a piece of paper to write a bill of sale. She hears her little daughter scream and runs back outside, the man was really there to kidnap the child. Because they are not here legally AND also have run from the law several times already, they can’t call the police. Instead they leave, as they were already packed to go. (was going to sell car and then hit the road.)
The antagonist is unnamed and there for a very short time, the story is? 30 mins (at most) and the family of the character has made her do fake pregnancy scams, etc.
By checking the useful page of Our Formula, you will see the three essential elements of a strong logline:
1. Event
What’s the story’s inciting incident? The fact that she got old enough to leave home? How dramatic is that as an event? Don’t we need something surprising and dramatic?
2. Character
A teen Gypsy mom, I guess? She wants to leave home, but she has some domineering relatives.
3. Action
Missing. You have nothing for her to do, during the whole film. As Richiev said, “Becoming a victim is not a story.”
By the way, by writing “her gypsy family criminal ways” you show prejudice: since she is a Gypsy, her family must have some criminal ways. It is also syntactically wrong. The correct form (still prejudiced though) is “the criminal ways of her Gypsy family.”
Instead of what? Victim of what? Almost old enough is rather vague; why can’t she leave now? How is “gypsy criminal” not racist? It sounds racist. And it isn’t clear what the story is, or the conflict. Give us the basics, be specific, avoid commas.