Working title: Flower
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SO, we came up with one, after utilizing all your feedback:
Flower is a short film about a teen who has to navigate messy, dysfunctional relationships and the recent discovery that she’s pregnant.
Thoughts?
Sorry about your current “environment”, but I’m glad you found this site to be helpful, as I have. If that’s your first screenplay concept, and logline, you’re off to a very good start. You can contact me, and others I’m sure, if you want more “constructive and positive environments elsehwere. I’ve learned so much from Karel and others here, and our networking started others places before this, so we’re out there!
Thanks to you all!!! This screenplay is my first and the environment I’m in doesn’t provide much constructive feedback. sharkeatingman….so helpful. Thank you. I really appreciate the time you all took to give feedback.
“We were trying to figure out what we could say with the least amount of words.”
That is always the goal, but you generally have the freedom of 25 words, or no more (generally, speaking) of 30 words, so you still have plenty of room for some facts.
Example: “An immature pregnant girl must learn to grow up quickly so she can care for a new baby, and her father, suddenly bedridden with a stroke.”
You have the protag (girl), her goal (growing up quickly), her stakes (losing her baby and/or father), inner conflict (immaturity), outer conflict (caring for a suddenly ill parent), genre (drama), and “hook” (babies taking care of babies taking care of parents- very timely story). It was done in 26 words.
Hope this break-down helped a bit!
That clarification is helpful.
When you say “has to decide”, this indicates this is an inner process. Film is visual, so you need to externalize the decision-making process by creating action. This is done by giving the character a visible goal.
I really appreciate all the feedback. We were trying to figure out what we could say with the least amount of words.
Basically, it’s a short film about a girl, from a broken home who has to decide between the love/acceptance of her boyfriend by having an abortion and having her child.
Two ‘moments’ – and not enough story.
Here are two realisations and no real objective.
She finds out she’s pregnant: realisation in the ‘outer’, visible world.
She finds out who she is: realisation in the ‘inner’, psychological world.
What we’re really interested in for the logline is the struggle in the visible world that leads to the second realisation. And for this, she also needs a clear outer goal she pursues for most of the story. It cannot be ‘to find herself’ as this is an (invisible) inner need, not an outer goal.
What is it?
It feels really generic. This may seem callous, but the details of the story need to be set out to give us a reason to care about this particular girl and her situation.
The nine months are sure to be eventful and full of conflict, otherwise you wouldn’t want to tell the story. What is the girl like? What is her reaction to getting pregnant, and how does it conflict with her future goals? What’s her family life like? How does her family react? How do her friends react? Is the father stepping up to take responsibility (or even someone she wants to keep around)?
“Juno Redux?” Needs much more story substance. How does she find out who she is? What happened besides being pregnant? WHO is she? Do you mean she LITERALLY finds out who she is, or figuratively?
Give us more info, and we can improve it! Good luck!