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A terminally ill ex-con seeks revenge on the partner who double-crossed him and killed his girlfriend.
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I can’t find fault with this logline but I am not captivated. Maybe give it ticking clock, such as a week left to live instead of just saying “Terminally ill”.
How about this:
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“On deaths door, a terminally ill ex-con seeks revenge on his former best friend and partner who double-crossed him and killed his pregnant fiance.”
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Just trying to up the stakes a bit. In the end there isn’t anything wrong with your logline.
I can’t find fault with this logline but I am not captivated. Maybe give it ticking clock, such as a week left to live instead of just saying “Terminally ill”.
How about this:
—–
“On deaths door, a terminally ill ex-con seeks revenge on his former best friend and partner who double-crossed him and killed his pregnant fiance.”
—–
Just trying to up the stakes a bit. In the end there isn’t anything wrong with your logline.
The logline works for me. It doesn’t have a unique hook or twist, but it’s competent, does the job. It’s got a protagonist with a clearly defined foe, a compelling motive and an implied ticking clock (terminal illness) that adds sufficient urgency to his objective. [I think that “On deaths door, a terminally ill” is redundant.]
The exact nature of the revenge is left to our imagination, but that’s okay, because it’s obviously of the eye-for-an-eye-life-for-a-life variety.
The logline works for me. It doesn’t have a unique hook or twist, but it’s competent, does the job. It’s got a protagonist with a clearly defined foe, a compelling motive and an implied ticking clock (terminal illness) that adds sufficient urgency to his objective. [I think that “On deaths door, a terminally ill” is redundant.]
The exact nature of the revenge is left to our imagination, but that’s okay, because it’s obviously of the eye-for-an-eye-life-for-a-life variety.
That’s true. I should probably just used, On death’s door.
A person who is Terminally ill could have a year or more to live. A person who is on death’s door, might not make it till tomorrow.
That’s true. I should probably just used, On death’s door.
A person who is Terminally ill could have a year or more to live. A person who is on death’s door, might not make it till tomorrow.
On deaths door, an ex-con seeks revenge on his former best friend and partner who double-crossed him and killed his pregnant fiance.?
On deaths door, an ex-con seeks revenge on his former best friend and partner who double-crossed him and killed his pregnant fiance.?
I like upping the emotional ante and character motivation by injecting pregnancy into the murder.
I like upping the emotional ante and character motivation by injecting pregnancy into the murder.
Yeah, but “on death’s door” gives me the sense of a man too ill to effect revenge or anything else beside popping pills. Whereas “terminally ill” conveys to me the sense that the clock is ticking; he’s under a death sentence to die soon, albeit at an unspecified date. He’s healthy enough to begin with but in a race against time.
As with Walter White in “Breaking Bad”. His diagnosis constitutes a death sentence — but the date is uncertain and he’s initially healthy enough to carry out his plan to earn enough money for his family by cooking meth.
Yeah, but “on death’s door” gives me the sense of a man too ill to effect revenge or anything else beside popping pills. Whereas “terminally ill” conveys to me the sense that the clock is ticking; he’s under a death sentence to die soon, albeit at an unspecified date. He’s healthy enough to begin with but in a race against time.
As with Walter White in “Breaking Bad”. His diagnosis constitutes a death sentence — but the date is uncertain and he’s initially healthy enough to carry out his plan to earn enough money for his family by cooking meth.
I like the “week left to live”
Because I wasn’t really feeling “terminally ill.”
I like the “week left to live”
Because I wasn’t really feeling “terminally ill.”
In the real world, I have yet to know of anyone with a diagnosis of “a week to live” who had the strength to even get out of bed, let alone get revenge. But if you’ve got some hocus-pocus for making it a credible premise, more power.
Just saying.
In the real world, I have yet to know of anyone with a diagnosis of “a week to live” who had the strength to even get out of bed, let alone get revenge. But if you’ve got some hocus-pocus for making it a credible premise, more power.
Just saying.
That’s the point, the heroes body, at key moments, gives way. A good writer asks, how can I make this harder on the lead character. Make him on death’s door. Make his body weak. Make him have to really fight to win.
That’s the point, the heroes body, at key moments, gives way. A good writer asks, how can I make this harder on the lead character. Make him on death’s door. Make his body weak. Make him have to really fight to win.
Besides, first you said, “At deaths door” and “Terminally ill” were redundant, now you are saying they are two separate things.
Besides, first you said, “At deaths door” and “Terminally ill” were redundant, now you are saying they are two separate things.
Richiev:
What I should have said is you only need to use one or the other — not both.
Richiev:
What I should have said is you only need to use one or the other — not both.
I agree
I agree