Logliner
Posted: 2020-04-07T07:09:26+10:00 In:

A terminally ill Irish banker with only six months to live must convince her jilted ex-fiance and American baseball star to return back to Ireland to meet his unknown, 10-year-old daughter.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Agreed with Richiev…

      Perhaps you should add a unique way in which she tries to convince him.

      What does she actually do to convince him that she’s his daughter?

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    2. Singularity

      I think I liked your first logline a little better than some of the other people on the site. I am going to use that one as a base.

      “When she is diagnosed with cancer, an Irish banker must convince a skeptical American baseball star, who thinks she is a scam artist, that her 10-year-old daughter is his.”

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    3. Singularity

      Who’s the protagonist? The banker or the baseball star? If it’s the banker, why MUST she do this? Is her goal to ensure that her daughter knows who her father is? Or will the daughter go with the dad back to the states? If the baseball player is the protagonist, what is his goal once he has met his daughter.

      Either way, the journey to the goal is remarkably short. She just has to convince him to visit – and I imagine most men, if they discovered they had a child they were unaware, would be on a plane pretty quick. He just has to meet his daughter. I want to know to what end. If she’s dying why is it so important for him to meet his daughter? What’s he going to do after he meets her?

      Why is it important to the plot to state she is Irish? Why is the Irish setting fundamental to this story? Does it make any difference if they’re both American and live in?different states? If you can transplant the whole thing to another location and the characters and plot remain the same, it doesn’t need to go in a logline.

      I would focus on one of the two characters and insure the whole logline is from their perspective and tell us what their end goal is.

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