After giving nourishment and shelter to a wounded, fugitive vampire, a love-struck yet timid teen joins her quest: to assassinate her Sire before he starts a vampiric civil war.

If the main story is about the assassination of the vampire, the inciting incident should relate to that in some way – cause and effect. Him “man-ing” up isn’t the bit that introduces us to this story because it’s not the bit that sets everything in motion – it’s just a boy plucking up the courage to talk to a girl. The inciting incident (to me) needs to focus on him finding out that the leader is after her. Your inciting incident should ALWAYS be in your logline.

I have a few questions that I think need clarifying.

– Are vampires common place in this world? If it’s set in “our” world then surely the kid should be super freaked out when he discovers the girl he likes is a vampire? Does he know she’s a vampire when he walks up to her?
– Does she like him too? This isn’t specified. If she’s a vampire, why is she not just feeding off him? She’s dangerous!
– Why does their escape fail? Is it related to the vampire leader?
– How does he learn that the only way to be with her is to assassinate the leader?

As Richiev has highlighted, this logline places a lot of emphasis on their escape attempt (approx. two-thirds) but you’ve said that this is just act I. The focus of the logline needs to be on the goal which is to assassinate the leader.

In reality, if the film opens with the guy plucking up the courage to talk to a pretty girl, you have to introduce and explain the vampire world, and you have to get their relationship to a point where the audience will believe that they are in love and should run away together. This is a tall ask (in my opinion) but it’s possible. Consider True Romance – they say they’re in love with each other about 15mins into the film and it still takes a further 15mins to get to the inciting incident BUT we suspend our disbelief because it’s their proclamations of love are immediately reciprocated, there are no hidden motives, no fantasy elements to explain, and a remarkably simple story. My biggest worry with yours (based on your logline) is believing that these two should be together whatever the cost and that doesn’t currently come through. If you can get that across in the logline the audience will fall in line. They’ll follow you anywhere if it’s true love. If you haven’t watched True Romance, watch it!

This kinda leads me to the main character. He’s “timid”. That’s his characteristic. I have no problem believing that he can pluck up the courage to talk to the girl but I have a really hard time believing he can get to a place where he’s willing to kill a vampire. Not just any vampire either… the leader of all vampires! I worry that his arc is almost too big. Even running away from home is a stretch. I feel like he’s going to be dragged through the story by the girl rather than being proactive – she’ll ask him to runaway, she’ll ask him to help kill the leader, etc. He needs to be the one taking positive steps towards the goal. Maybe think about reworking this character so he can pull the story along.

I hope this helps. I really like the True Romance with vampires concept so I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.