Story that deals with the relationship between two women in India – bringing to light social and hierarchical structures in Indian society.
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An unforseen event triggers a middle class Indian girl to relive every moment of her relationship with a woman who was socially of another class – her maid, in order to find meaning in her relationship with her blood family.
Im worried that its too general to be gripping/ Maybe thats just in my mind. Ive read a few loglines and everything seems to be so dramatic or overly intriguing and I am worried I might try to be intriguing for the sake of being intriguing. Does that make sense? My story is a bit more understated than that so I guess Im trying to figure how best to use the right words. Im working on revising this based on all the comments and will post that soon.
This needs a lot more direction than it currently shows. Replace “Meena” with some description of what/who she is and the same for “Rahda” that says something more than she’s a maid. Then replace “dwell” with something a *lot* more gripping.
There’s a rich vein of possibilities in your subject matter, but this logline conjures the prospect of an interesting ten minutes (the “tragic event”) followed by two hours of your protagonist sitting around “dwelling” on things. Even in drama, your protag needs to be active in some way – and I’m sure they are, but the logline doesn’t yet express it. What you’ve described here is the first act of your plot, but you need to add the remaining 2/3 to properly lay out the potential of your screenplay.
“In the wake of tragedy, an Indian [???rich-woman?something deeper???] is forced to stand against the very roots of her society and [???plot???] through her relationship with her [???young?poor?ghost???] maid.”
I think you need to reveal something more that makes us more interesting in the conflict. An example would to tell more (i don’t know) like: A tragic event leads Meena to cross conventional hierarchies and social structures… etc.
Not sure of the function of “to dwell” as a verb in this logline.
You are exploring interesting ideas, but what is the main character’s goal, what is at stake, and what is getting in the way of accomplishing the goal?
For more help, check out the How to Write it section in http://www.logline.it/howto/