Logliner
Posted: 2015-06-26T04:48:55+10:00 In:

A weak white supremacist falsely jailed for drugs, gets trained and helped escape by a racist black ex-cop inmate, to hunt down the bad guys and prove his innocence.

Back From Jail

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    7 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      This logline seems to set up an Odd Couple buddy story. Does the Black ex-cop help the White supremacist pursue the bad guys after breaking out — or does just help him get out?

      Either way, I presume the Black man’s racism is that he hates Whites. So why would he help a White supremacist? What’s his motivation? What, uh, skin does the Black ex-cop have in the White supremacist’s game?

      Also, either the White supremacist got caught with drugs in his possession or he didn’t. If he didn’t have the drugs, how could he be convicted without evidence? I suggest you need to clarify his predicament which I’m guessing is that he got busted for drugs that were planted on him.

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    2. Logliner

      Thanks for the questions.

      The Blck ex-cop gets killed during the jail break.

      They get to know they were both set up by the same drug lord and his men ( blacks and whites).
      He trains him to be a fighter.

      A cop chases an unidentified man with some drug.The man who happens to the son of a drug lord bumps into White supremacist and drops the drug.He runs away leaving the drug as White supremacist picks it up and calls after him.When the cop gets to White supremacist,he arrests him for possessing the drug.

      The White supremacist insists he?s innocent and decribes son of drug lord as owner.He is arrested too but the drug lord bribes the system including the cop,the judge and the court-appointed attorney to jail White supremacist instead of his son.

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    3. Singularity

      Suggestion: if you’re going to play the Odd Couple gimmick in the logline, play it for the length of the story — not just until he breaks out. As the logline is written, readers will expect the Odd Couple chemistry to be a major, ongoing feature of the story. They’re not going to be happy when (WTF!) the Black man is killed off early in Act 2. The premise of the logline implicitly promises major Odd Couple fireworks/chemistry. Deliver on the promise.

      (FWIW: it’s the aspect of the logline that hooked my interest.)

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    4. Penpusher

      It’s definitely too wordy. The leading adjective of the protagonist “weak” is too vague. Also, “bad guys” should be much more specific.

      Here’s a suggested rough revision to start with:

      “A weak white supremacist falsely jailed gets aided by a black ex-cop inmate to escape, hunt down the bad guys and prove his innocence.”

      Good luck!

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    5. Singularity

      As DPG mentioned the odd couple trope is what make this potentially appealing in my mind the story in it’s own right doesn’t.

      The plot you described seems convoluted the events are seemingly random as the son by chance bumps into the MC and by chance plants the drugs on his person then by chance gets away. Then the mysterious drug lord bribes some unrelated people and by chance both cop and MC are arrested.

      Up to this point the MC is passive the story happens around him and conveniently puts him in an odd couple situation with a black man. Admittedly this is all before the inciting incident of him getting arrested but he seams like a person that wants nothing, has no ambitions and is a racist. Will the audience care what happens to him or not but the time act one ends? I would endeavour to say no.

      I suggest re thinking the specifics of the plot that brings the odd couple together and the type of their opposing natures. A recent example of such a dynamic is Get Hard with Will Ferrell, wash’t a great film but very similar in character dynamic.

      Hope this helps.

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    6. Logliner

      Many thanks Bro.

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    7. Mentor

      “When two inmates, a white supremacist and a black supremacist, learn they have been framed by the same chinese con artist, they team up to escape and get their brutal revenge, only to find he’s far too smart for them”.

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