Penpusher
Posted: 2013-10-27T04:07:42+10:00 In:

A whistle blowing scientist is forced back into service by the military when her own top-secret anti-gravitational experiment goes awry.

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    2 Reviews

    1. I like it, but took me a few times to read it and digest. So let’s try cleaning it up to give it the immediate punch you’ll need when using it as your pitch.

      “A top-secret government experiment goes awry, forcing the whistle-blowing scientist back into the military lab to ….. ” (Fill in the rest)

      This will help define the mission as well as capture the sense of urgency.

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    2. Singularity

      The logline is about a setup for a plot rather than the plot itself.

      So… a scientist blows the whistle on her own failed experiment and is punished by being re-drafted? Then what? What becomes her objective goal after that? What’s the urgency? What are the stakes if she fails?

      [The military re-drafting her stretches credulity if the setting is any liberalized Western country where the draft is voluntary. And why would they force her back into the service when they have plenty of other means, legal and extralegal, at their disposal to coerce her into silence or submission or whatever?]

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