Benson has always been a tormented soul, abused from a young age and bulled throughout all stages of his life. He is a loner that wanders through life, at times willing it to end. He does well to hide has many unusual talents from his tormentors until a chance meeting with an odd drifter, sends Benson on the first and last adventure he will ever have.
\"A withdrawn, abused and bullied teenager, does well to keep his various and at times genius talents well hidden from his tormentors. A chance meeting with a drifter however, changes everything.\"
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I’m intrigued but the logline is way too vague.
If you want to push the reader from “intrigued” to “I want to read that script”, you have to be more specific and less coy – What’s the teenager’s genius talents? And why does he have to hide it from his tormentors? And how does the drifter fit in?
Would love to see what your revised logline looks like…
I agree with MONIMATA we need to know what the genius talent is. Purpose of the logline is to describe acts 1&2. You can hide the climax but not the important details about the journey. Good point is he sounds like a character we can all root for and hope to do well. Not sure what is goal is but it may be clearer once we know the talent. Need to know why he is bullied too and what’s the ghost in the past that needs to be addressed.
Agreed with all the above comments, adding:
75% of the logline appears to deal with characteristic descriptions and back story of the MC before you mention the II “A chance meeting…” perhaps change the structure of the logline.
At times this can reflect the structure of the story and according to this the II happens close to end of act 2…
This isn’t a hard and fast measurement rather an indication as to the thoughts behind the story structure.
Nir.
Howabout this:
When a bullied teenager who can :: insert genius talent here :: accidentally meets a drifter, he must :: insert action :: in order to :: insert goal ::.
Ok, how aboutthis?
When a withdrawn, bullied and abused teenager, with an abilty to communicate with animals meets an odd drifter, he begins to use his abilities in ways he never imagined, ultimately leading to the punishment of his tormentors.
OR…
“Benson, An abused teenager, has the unique abilty of controlling animals. A chance meeting with a drifter takes him on an adventure with the only friend he has ever known. When his tormentors kill the drifter, Benson inflicts the ultimate revenge.
Great, thats better! Now I recommend cutting it down to the bare essentials… can you say it in 25-30 words?
Also it seems there are two goals in the story:
The first is the goal of the adventure he has with the drifter. What is this goal? Do they accomplish it?
The second is the revenge goal.
Once you work out the first goal, I’d pick the stronger one of the two and mention just one in the logline.