A 7 minute Dramedy short film.
TjmohrLogliner
A witty young man resists showing affection, but when his old friend turns out to be in dire need, he must let his emotional guard down.
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My take:
“A witty comedian who fears showing his feelings must learn how to support an an old friend who is shattered by his daughter’s cancer diagnosis.”
I changed it from losing an old woman to losing a young woman, that is much more intense and difficult to process. Burying a child is perhaps the single most painful experience a parent can have.
thanks for all the feedback, really appreciate it:)!
Two issues with wording
1: “When his old friend turns out to be in dire need.” Be specific.
When his old friend angers the Mob.
When his old friend is diagnosed with cancer
when his old friend becomes addicted to hentai.
What specifically is his old friend’s dire need of?
2: “He must let his emotional guard down?” So, letting his emotional guard down will solve his friend’s dire need? How does letting your emotional guard down solve someone’s specific problem?
I owe a bookie 50k… I will solve this by letting down my emotional guard?
I am on trial for murder… I can solve this problem by letting down my emotional guard.
I am in dire need because I can’t read… No problem this can be solved by me letting down my emotional guard.
What specifically must the lead do to solve his friend’s dire problem????
A witty young man fears showing affection, but when his old friend reveals his mom has got cancer, he must face his fear.
is this more specific?
I’m struggling with the last bit, what he must do in order to solve the problem. I have to pitch it to a panel at film school and it’s required to be under 25 words.
Your 25-word limit makes the logline kind of difficult, hope this helps!
——————————————————–
“When his best friend’s mother is diagnosed with cancer, an emotional recluse must open his heart to help his friend through his heartbreaking trial.”
—–
-24 Words-
Hope this helped.
Well, let’s not forget that there must be a balance between goal, need, and obstacle. Here it is not entirely clear whether or not there is an equilibrium. What is the need: “you must lower your emotional guard.” The objective? “He must accompany his best friend”? “give you a reason to live”? “reveal one last secret”? the obstacle is clearly the risk of your friend’s death.
I am trying something
“When his friend becomes seriously ill, the need to reveal a secret confronts him with his worst enemies, his own fears”
Hug.
It’s the friend’s mom that has got cancer, not the friend.
The objective would be to provide emotional support for his friend but the obstacle is his own inner resistance to show affection.
Perhaps it’s all too internal?
That is the place for poetry. and subtlety. there may be great drama there. The hero’s journey is to overcome his own emotional limitation. It would help to dress the character in a trait that places him at the start of his arc. I don’t know if “a witty young man” is clear enough. I would bet on something more affirmative: “a young man obsessed with success” or “an eloquent salesman”
Ah, I see how it really requires to be more specific. Thanks:)