Single Soul
A world class triathlon athlete competes in a town where he was a torturer in his former life. Karma catches up, not only with him, but his whole team.
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The second half of your logline reads more like a retrospective tagline. Try something that links in the main character and his goal better.
eg: When a world class triathlon athlete’s career brings him back to the town he committed heinous crimes in he must fight to avoid the consequences of his mispent youth.
And why should his team suffer just because of his bad karma? Seems unfair.
Agreed with the above comments.
The mention of Karma and a former life imply a re incarnation element in the story. However I think you mean he was a torturer in his previous occupation as a soldier, prison guard or mafia operative.
Best to re word it so it reads true to the actual situation he is in and the irony he faces.
Secondly, what does he want to achieve and why? What is the inciting incident and specific goal?
Hope this helps.
Thanks dpg and Brooks for the pointers – it always gets better the more people see and advise 🙂
I think you’ve got to give us a bit more here. Is he abducted along the way or something? I find the first clause awkward and the second one vague. Maybe come up with something more visual than karma to set off the main story – karma itself can’t actually torture someone. Maybe start out with something like this: ‘A world-class athlete competing in a triathlon…’ Next, use a strong active verb to depict the ensuing battle. Or this: ‘While competing in a triathlon, a world-class athlete…’
The logline presents a protagonist who is totally the victim of the plot (aka: karma). It lacks a specific inciting incident and a specific objective goal. The antagonist is undefined (karma again). “Torture and Horror” are generalities instead of specifics.