“Five college friends must fight off a man-eating mermaid when their party-barge stalls in the middle of a lake.”

The story hook is that the adversary is a man-eating mermaid.? And it’s a good one.

However, I believe the logline could use a polish to become a more effective marketing tool:

1] Mermaids are technically not human, hence man-eating instead of cannibalistic.? And the alliteration , “man-eating mermaid” reads and sounds better.? (Loglines should be read aloud while being crafted because the logline is also going to serve as the basis for the elevator pitch, right?)

2] I suggest that “find themselves stranded”? needs to be more specific. What is the specific inciting incident that causes them to be stranded?? Does the engine mysteriously fail?? Or…?

3] As I noted, the man-eating mermaid is the story hook — but a reader has to slog through 28 words to discover it.? In “high concept” loglines (say 15 words or less), it’s okay? to deliver the story hook as the punch line at the end of the sentence.? But in longer loglines, not so much.? I suggest that it becomes a problem in loglines that exceed the idealized logline length of 25 words.?? It amounts to burying the story hook instead of brandishing it.

This logline is 30 words long.? So I suggest the logline be reworded to front load the story hook.? For example:

Five college friends become the prey of a man-eating mermaid when their yacht mysteriously stalls in the middle of a haunted lake.

Shorter at 22 words and the story hook is delivered by the 10th word, in the 1st half of the logline, instead of at the end of the 2nd half.

4] Finally, why five friends?? Could it be four?? I ask the question because having 5 major roles in an ensemble cast plus the character of the mermaid may become a budgetary and casting problem.? Not to mention it dilutes narrative focus. Just saying.

Anyway, as I said, the logline has a good story hook.? Best wishes with your project.