A young aid worker tormented by his dreams learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. Only by accepting the past does he have a chance to save the future, humanity and the people he loves.
HappysnapperLogliner
A young aid worker tormented by his dreams learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. Only by accepting the past does he have a chance to save the future, humanity and the people he loves.
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“Accepting the past” is the action your lead character must take in order to achiever the goal of saving humanity.
This action does not seem like it would be exciting or compelling to watch on screen and probably will not hook the reader.
You might want to give your logline a more compelling action that the character ‘must take’. in order to make the logline more exciting.
Agreed with the others on this thread. You’ll be more likely to sell a script with clarity and detail than vague descriptions.
>>>I?d like to have the logline make people want to find out more.
The purpose of a logline is to pitch your script to movie makers, not movie viewers.? To people who you want to invest millions of dollars and a year or more of their lives to produce — not $10-12 for? a ticket and a couple of hours of their time.? They expect to be told what the script is about — not teased.? Withholding or obscuring the vital details is counterproductive — a turn off, not a turn off for this bottom line, tough minded crowd.
Happysnapper,
Below are the comments I wrote for this same version? on another thread.
The plot is vague and the story unclear.
Below are a few questions that will pop into most decision makers minds. No need to answer them here in a reply to the thread, best you read other loglines and learn how other writers use specific events and details to clearly describe their stories.
What does young aid worker mean? Is he 18 yo, 21yo, 25yo, 30yo?
How does him being young help or hinder his efforts?
How is him being an aid worker connected to him saving the world?
How does him being tormented by his dreams connect to the plot?
What does ??been manipulated for eons?? mean in practical terms?
What?s the worst that will happen should he fail?
What motivated him to save humanity? What specific event?
What does accepting the past mean in practical terms? What must he actually do?
What does save the future mean in practical terms? Who?s future?
Which goal does he care about most – save the world or save the people he loves?
If it’s too generic Happysnapper then it doesn’t do it’s job at all.? Right now there is no reason to find out more about it because it doesn’t do anything to hook you.? A logline should sell your story, not tell your story.? You need to hook us.? What’s going to be unique about this story that hasn’t already been done?
Thanks Foxtrot,
I really isn?t supposed not to be too specific. I?d like to have the logline make people want to find out more.
Genre is sci fi / action so I guess that might help.
Happy,
As written, this wins the all-generic award. It’s hard to understand what each element means or relates to one another as a whole.
One should have an idea of which genre you are in from the log. Yours could be scifi, historical, etc…
What is this about, really?