A young and lonely businessman wants to find true happiness in order to give his life more purpose and standing in his way is only himself.
JasonGPenpusher
A young and lonely businessman wants to find true happiness in order to give his life more purpose and standing in his way is only himself.
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Well, for God’s sake, each one of us is always standing in the way of giving ourselves more purpose and finding true happiness. What’s the outside influence this guy needs to defeat in order to achieve a goal? How long does this movie follow this guy’s life until he acquires happiness?
This needs a lot of work.
The logline doesn’t describe any visual action. It only describes the subjective need of protagonist. The logline-and by extension the story-should be about the external goal of the protagonist. For general information on loglines, review the Formula tab at the top of the page.
Anyway, what will we see on screen? What’s the external conflict? Who’s the antagonist?
What is the event outside of the protagonist’s control that upsets his status quo, that motivates him to pursue his goal?
As Foxtrot says, the logline needs a lot of work. If the story has no external conflict, then it needs work as well, but so far all I can tell is that the loglien needs work.
As someone who reviews a lot of the loglines on this site, I type the same thing or slight variations often. Go through other loglines and read them, but more importantly read the feedback they’ve received. Try going to the Examples tab and read loglines for produced works, try finding a movie/show you’ve seen and see how the logline describes that work. Reading other posts and reviewing the Formula tab should help you get a better grasp on creating a logline, and maybe help you better understand storytelling.
I hope this helps.
As the others have said. ?
Film is a visual medium and the logline needs to be written with visual elements: people, props, places, action.
What’s the visual for “true happiness”? ?The visual for “more purpose”? ?The visual for “standing in his way is only himself”?
Write the logline as if it were a silent film where every aspect of the story has to be conveyed by a visual image — no sound, ?no title cards.
You need to give the lead character an interesting tangible goal.
The lead character needs to do something, and that something will be the hook of your story.
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“Looking for love, a desperate businessman joins a support group for loved ones of cancer victims, but when he falls in love he must keep secret the fact his daughter never had cancer and is still alive.”
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