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byron79Logliner
Posted: September 18, 20182018-09-18T02:57:09+10:00 2018-09-18T02:57:09+10:00In: Thriller

A young brother and sister, illegal immigrants, must find a way to escape from a heavily guarded, experimental farm in South Texas when their coworkers start disappearing.

A young brother and sister, illegal immigrants, must find a way to escape from a heavily guarded, experimental farm in South Texas when their coworkers start disappearing.
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    3 Reviews

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    1. Richiev Singularity
      2018-09-18T03:32:24+10:00Added an answer on September 18, 2018 at 3:32 am

      I liked the idea of the lead character looking for her father better.

      She is on a journey to find her father
      She gets to the farm to find out her father has gone missing
      It is up to the lead to investigate because no one else seems to care about a missing migrant worker.

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    2. dpg Singularity
      2018-09-18T04:32:39+10:00Added an answer on September 18, 2018 at 4:32 am

      Agree with Richiev.? The kids find their way to a farm only to discover their father has disappeared under mysterious circumstances.? (And why does the farm have to be “experimental”?? Part of the mystery could be that it seems so ordinary, so typical.)

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    3. mrliteral Samurai
      2018-09-18T06:54:47+10:00Added an answer on September 18, 2018 at 6:54 am

      Sloppy, and vague. Young; how young? Five, fifteen, twenty-five? They’re all young, it’s a relative term. What is an experimental farm? Why would a farm be heavily guarded; soybean rustlers? Does it matter it’s in south Texas vs. north or west, or Texas at all? Why the need to leave just because coworkers disappear? Ever have a job where someone just isn’t there one day? People quit, get fired, don’t show up; there’s nothing sinister about it. If there is, give us a clue.

      You need to provide specifics regarding what this story is actually about, do it in a single sentence without halting in the middle to update it, and without being TOO specific when not necessary. A logline is just to make someone want to read more; it doesn’t matter at this point they’re brother and sister…just use siblings. We don’t need to know it’s Texas, or even the U.S.; only provide personal detail that helps define their conflict.

      A pair of illegal immigrant siblings must escape a work farm when it becomes clear the company performs dangerous experiments on its employees.

      Not very poetic, but I’m sure you can improve on it. The point is, it sets up the two leads while defining? – in broad strokes, but with clear details – their situation, their opposition, and their downfall if they fail. The fact they’re illegal shows they need whatever work they can get, but also how they can’t go to the authorities with whatever evidence they have. Plus it highlights the David & Goliath aspect of two kids facing down an entire evil organization.

      Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes…that’s all a logline needs. The rest goes in a script, treatment, or synopsis.

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