A young couple doesn’t attach much importance to their failing relationship until a gang commits a violent takeover of America and it parts them completely!
Ray Star/ingLogliner
A young couple doesn’t attach much importance to their failing relationship until a gang commits a violent takeover of America and it parts them completely!
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In case it hasn’t been made clear already, the idea of a gang taking over America doesn’t work – no rewording will make it work. I strongly suggest you rethink the very basic premise at hand. Instead of a gang, make it an invading force and preferably one that’s believably capable of taking over one of the largest and most powerful nations in the world.
As for the stakes, how in any concievable form, does war compare to a relationship? It just doesn’t. Therefore their little relationship thing will pale in comparison to the threat of all-out war.
Thank you all, am going to try to switch it around, again. Is the previous version the one I should fix and dump this new one?
“A young couple thinks that bickering is what threatens their marriage, until an international gang commits a violent takeover of America, forcing them to work together in order to escape, but they get caught instead!”
How does a gang take over America?? Is there anyway to make this sound more plausible? A gang, to me, suggests a small to moderately sized group of people. I want to feel like, whoever this group is, they have the power to take over one of the most powerful countries in the world.
Totally agree with the current feedback. If the characters aren’t that fussed then the audience won’t be either. Up the stakes! They’re hopelessly in love, soul mates, and she’s 5 months pregnant. This adds a ticking clock element. I’m not saying do this but it’s alway a good exercise to take things to the extreme and see if it works or falls into clich? then start pulling it back and mixing it up.
Hope this helps.
“A young couple doesn?t attach much importance to their failing relationship until a gang commits a violent takeover of America and it parts them completely!”
This isn’t really a logline. It sounds like setup and then an inciting incident. Since the couple is separated, it would be better to pick one to be the main protagonist. As a result of them being split up, what becomes the protagonist’s goal? The version posted in the comment also suffers from the same problem.
In your logline the background is that America is not a gang-ruled country. The specific inciting incident seems to be this couple’s separation.
Here’s an example, that I’m partly making up:?After her husband is taken, a rookie cop must trek through a gang-controlled America to rescue him. (17 words)
It’s short and simple, but I’ve included a goal which is caused by the inciting incident, as a result of her husband getting taken, she?must go through the territory of gangsters to set him free.
I hope this helps.
In a story, what the lead character wants should mean the entire world to them. That should be the stakes.
Going to prom?must be the ‘most important thing in the whole world’ to the young teen girl.
Getting the lead cheerleader must be, ‘the most important thing in the whole world’ to the young teen boy.
In the movie ‘Better off Dead’ the lead character’s goal of getting back with his girlfriend Beth is so important to him, he contemplates?killing himself.
Which brings us to your logline; which begins: “A young couple doesn’t attach much importance to their failing relationship…”
If the couple doesn’t attach much importance?to their relationship then neither will the audience.
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In your story, a gang takes over America… This is a strong inciting incident.
This should cause your?lead character to ‘want something more than anything in the whole world”
Once you add what the lead character wants, more than anything thing in the entire world, to your logline, it will be much improved.