“The Lord Milner” – Paranormal Horror
A young couple find themselves stranded in the Great Karoo desert only to find refuge in the forgotten Victorian village that is haunted by more than just ghosts.
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It’s a pleasure. Good luck with it.
Thanks for the response. I agree it could be tighter. Your feedback is really helpful. Thanks! 😉
This is nice and ominous, and I like how you let us know that it’s both a ghost story and more in just a few words. For me it sets up an immediate desire to know more, and that’s no bad start.
The writing itself could be tightened up, though – too many extraneous words that aren’t adding any impact. Would something like, “A young couple, stranded in the Great Karoo desert, find refuge in a forgotten Victorian village haunted by more than just ghosts” be punchier? Same logline, really, just shorter.
Although, with a setup like that it sounds like a horror or thriller, so is “find refuge” the right words? Maybe “seek refuge”, because “find” implies that there is refuge there and, though I’m sure there are plenty of things to find in a haunted town, refuge probably isn’t one of them.