Blind heist
"A young?credulous technology student who needs money fast agrees to take care of a blind old man, but the job is not at all what the student anticipated, when the retired bank robber asks for help with his last heist to avenge the arch rival who made him blind"
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1: Since you say student you don’t need to say young.
2: ‘credulous’ is an odd word, you should use ‘gullible’ or ‘naive’, which mean the same thing and are more well known
3: “who needs money fast…” :: This is a good idea but should be used in the character description. A down and out technology student, or, A broke technology student.
4: “agrees to take care of a blind old man” :: This isn’t needed and should be dropped. (It gives you a false inciting incident and confuses the logline)
5: “but the job is not at all what the student anticipated,” :: Extra words, not needed in the logline.
6: “when the retired bank robber asks for help with his last heist to avenge the arch rival who made him blind” :: This is the meat of the logline and you buried it at the end.
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“When a retired blind bank robber asks him for help, a broke technology student uses his skills to help the old man get revenge on his arch rival; for the price of paying his tuition though college.”
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Hope that helped, good luck with this!
1: Since you say student you don’t need to say young.
2: ‘credulous’ is an odd word, you should use ‘gullible’ or ‘naive’, which mean the same thing and are more well known
3: “who needs money fast…” :: This is a good idea but should be used in the character description. A down and out technology student, or, A broke technology student.
4: “agrees to take care of a blind old man” :: This isn’t needed and should be dropped. (It gives you a false inciting incident and confuses the logline)
5: “but the job is not at all what the student anticipated,” :: Extra words, not needed in the logline.
6: “when the retired bank robber asks for help with his last heist to avenge the arch rival who made him blind” :: This is the meat of the logline and you buried it at the end.
—–
“When a retired blind bank robber asks him for help, a broke technology student uses his skills to help the old man get revenge on his arch rival; for the price of paying his tuition though college.”
—–
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Good comments above. Your story sounds like it has some similarities with “Scent of a Woman.” I see you’ve incorporated the IMDB logline from that film almost verbatim:
“A prep school student needing money agrees to “babysit” a blind man, but the job is not at all what he anticipated.” – Scent of a Woman
The loglines on IMDB aren’t always particularly well-constructed though – they’re often closer to a tagline than an actual logline.
The Netflix loglines are sometimes a little better:
“Hoping to earn some extra cash during the Thanksgiving holiday, a poor prep-school student agrees to look after a blind and cantankerous retired colonel. Though the two are mismatched, their relationship grows during a string of wild escapades.” – Scent of a Woman
Both loglines start out by stating the inciting incident (O’Donnell’s need for money causes him to take the job of babysitting Pacino), but the IMDB logline only gives a vague idea of the ensuing story (as Richiev eluded to regarding the same passage in your logline), and stops there.
The Netflix logline, on the other hand, describes what the story is really about – a buddy movie about two mismatched souls who help each other overcome a serious problem.
Perhaps some insight into these loglines can help you retool the latter part of your own logline to help you get to the heart of what your story is about. Think about your protag’s goal – is it simply to help the bank robber exact revenge, or like the O’Donnell character in “Scent of a Woman,” is there something deeper going on?
Good comments above. Your story sounds like it has some similarities with “Scent of a Woman.” I see you’ve incorporated the IMDB logline from that film almost verbatim:
“A prep school student needing money agrees to “babysit” a blind man, but the job is not at all what he anticipated.” – Scent of a Woman
The loglines on IMDB aren’t always particularly well-constructed though – they’re often closer to a tagline than an actual logline.
The Netflix loglines are sometimes a little better:
“Hoping to earn some extra cash during the Thanksgiving holiday, a poor prep-school student agrees to look after a blind and cantankerous retired colonel. Though the two are mismatched, their relationship grows during a string of wild escapades.” – Scent of a Woman
Both loglines start out by stating the inciting incident (O’Donnell’s need for money causes him to take the job of babysitting Pacino), but the IMDB logline only gives a vague idea of the ensuing story (as Richiev eluded to regarding the same passage in your logline), and stops there.
The Netflix logline, on the other hand, describes what the story is really about – a buddy movie about two mismatched souls who help each other overcome a serious problem.
Perhaps some insight into these loglines can help you retool the latter part of your own logline to help you get to the heart of what your story is about. Think about your protag’s goal – is it simply to help the bank robber exact revenge, or like the O’Donnell character in “Scent of a Woman,” is there something deeper going on?
Thanks a lot. Great advices from both of you.
Thanks a lot. Great advices from both of you.
When a retired blind bank robber asks a broke technology student for help, to uses his skills to get revenge on his arch rival; for the price of paying his tuition though college.?
My english isn’t that best – but is this better?
When a retired blind bank robber asks a broke technology student for help, to uses his skills to get revenge on his arch rival; for the price of paying his tuition though college.?
My english isn’t that best – but is this better?
insomniatheatre says:
When a retired blind bank robber asks a broke technology student for help, to uses his skills to get revenge on his arch rival; for the price of paying his tuition though college.?
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In this logline the retired blind banker is the lead character, if this is the case it is a better logline.
If not you should always tell the logline from the point of view of the lead character.
insomniatheatre says:
When a retired blind bank robber asks a broke technology student for help, to uses his skills to get revenge on his arch rival; for the price of paying his tuition though college.?
—–
In this logline the retired blind banker is the lead character, if this is the case it is a better logline.
If not you should always tell the logline from the point of view of the lead character.
Ah, of course. no it?s the student who is the main character.
Ah, of course. no it?s the student who is the main character.