Lay Down Your Nets
clarebearPenpusher
A young Iranian soldier fleeing his country to seek refuge elsewhere, must escape the clutches of a Thai profiteer, holding him for ransom until his family pays
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This logline has some issues:
– He is not ‘fleeing’ the country because he is being ‘held’ hostage
– Elsewhere? Be more specific. Where are his family living?
– Dual goal:
(i) Soldier must escape the clutches and
(ii) family must pay a ransom.
It’s not clear what the main throughline is.
What is a Thai profiteer, again be more specific. How does a Thai profiteer capture and Iranian soldier?
I hope this helps.
Him being a soldier has no impact at this point, it will no doubt be important in the story. You could make it important by describe his actions, but currently it has no impact. Being an Australian I know the route taken by fugues from that area down through Asia. But you cannot assume all readers do. So you have to find a very brief way of getting that across.
Are his parents with him etc? These are questions that may make your line more compelling. The question you should leave the reader is “I wonder how that story plays out” not “what is the story about”.
Is the story about the family raising the money or is it about his attempts to escape?
This has all the hallmarks of a great story. You have to explain how you intend to execute it.
Clarity is soo important in a logline this needs a re draft that specifies the MC, his flaw, the inciting incident and his goal, with specific detail.
Hope this helps.