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TjmohrLogliner
A shy guy tries to seduce a snobby girl during an awkward pre-arranged mating session between their chihuahua dogs. COMEDY SHORT
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For a short I like the premise, two shy people meet to allow their dogs to mate, it’s embarrassing so they engage in small talk while behind them you hear the mating noises.
As for the logline, this is a little tougher, the line, “Must deal with the situation” is not very specific. How does he specifically deal with the situation?
Is his objective to just get through the situation?
Is his goal to put his counterpart at ease?
Is his goal to get a date from the girl?
Anyway, I like this premise as a short or even just as a skit,? but you might want to add a specific or two, to the logline.
>>>A young man must deal
How, specifically?? His dog obviously has an objective goal.? What becomes his objective goal in response to that of his dog?
Calling it “a mating session” sounds as if it is prearranged — that’s one story. If you mean the two dogs met at random in the park and neither owner pulls the the leash to take their dog away — then that is a different story. Try to make it clear in the logline which story you are going to tell.
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All you’ve given us really is the inciting incident “When his chihuahua starts mating with the girl he fancies’ chihuahua…” now tell us what he must do. What is his goal? To pluck up the courage to ask her for a date? To simply survive the experience? I amended your inciting incident slightly so it was not just an attractive girl… but the girl he wants to be with. It adds another layer to the story. There’s a greater urgency to the situation because his want isn’t just to survive the experience (which it could be if it was simply an attractive girl) but to actually be with her.
Can you give us more information about him? He’s a young man… ok but what do we learn about him? What is his flaw? What will his arc be? If you said he was “a creepy guy” it’s a darker comedy compared to if he was just “shy”.
As a short I think it’s a great situation though