Children of the Dark Galaxy – sequel to Dead Galaxy 9 and Outlaw Rising.
IvyEight6Penpusher
After her father abandoned her, a cyborg hunter must search her identity of her father and grandfather before it’s too late.
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The achievement in this post is the recognition that “change” is integral to story.
To be a complete logline, however, this question of “changing” must be addressed.
The answer can be found in the inciting incident. Cause and Effect. Why might a young man take steps to be adopt a family tradition?
This story fragment makes me think of ‘The Godfather’. However, what makes the story arc of Godfather so compelling is how a young man “doesn’t” want to adopt the old ways -> only to end up becoming a cyborg hunter (read ‘Gangster’).
I revised it.
The end.
One of my pet peeves in loglines is referring to the protagonist as “young man” or “young woman”. This is your protagonist. They deserve better!
It also bugs me when people don’t proof read. I’m guessing this should be “follow in the footsteps”.
Ok… so he’s become a cyborg hunter. Now what? Why did he make this decision. In other words, we need an inciting incident and a goal. Two things which are fundamental in a logline because everything within the story exists within these two tent poles.
Give it another go and try and tell us who, specifically, is your protagonist, what he’s trying to achieve and why.
That’s another of my pet peeves – “before it’s too late”. You can’t say this without actually telling us the consequences. In your new version, we have no idea why it’s important to find the identity of her father and grandfather or any concept of what happens if she doesn’t.
The fact she’s a cyborg hunter is now rendered somewhat redundant as this now just seems like a family drama. We have to understand why her being a cyborg hunter is relevant to the plot. If it’s important enough to include in the logline, it MUST be apparent why it’s important to the plot.
I’m guessing her father abandoned her when she was a baby, otherwise she’d have some recollections of him? Possibly worth clarifying to avoid any confusion. Ambiguity is where loglines go to die!
Hope this helps.