Sign Up Sign Up

Captcha Click on image to update the captcha.

Have an account? Sign In Now

Sign In Sign In

Forgot Password?

If you'd like access, Sign Up Here

Forgot Password Forgot Password

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.

Captcha Click on image to update the captcha.

Have an account? Sign In Now

Sorry, you do not have permission to ask a question, You must login to ask a question.

Forgot Password?

To see everything, Sign Up Here

Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.

Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.

Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.

Logline It! Logo Logline It! Logo
Sign InSign Up

Logline It!

Logline It! Navigation

  • Sign Up
  • Logline Generator
  • Learn our simple Logline Formula
  • Search Loglines
Search
Post Your Logline

Mobile menu

Close
Post Your Logline
  • Signup
  • Sign Up
  • Logline Generator
  • Learn our simple Logline Formula
  • Search Loglines
IvyEight6Penpusher
Posted: July 28, 20202020-07-28T23:13:20+10:00 2020-07-28T23:13:20+10:00In: SciFi

After her father abandoned her, a cyborg hunter must search her identity of her father and grandfather before it’s too late.

Children of the Dark Galaxy – sequel to Dead Galaxy 9 and Outlaw Rising.

  • 0
  • 4 4 Reviews
  • 159 Views
  • 0 Followers
  • 0
Share
  • Facebook

    Post a review
    Cancel reply

    You must login to add an answer.

    Forgot Password?

    To see everything, Sign Up Here

    4 Reviews

    • Voted
    • Oldest
    • Recent
    1. Mike Pedley Singularity
      2020-08-03T07:02:24+10:00Added an answer on August 3, 2020 at 7:02 am

      That’s another of my pet peeves – “before it’s too late”. You can’t say this without actually telling us the consequences. In your new version, we have no idea why it’s important to find the identity of her father and grandfather or any concept of what happens if she doesn’t.

      The fact she’s a cyborg hunter is now rendered somewhat redundant as this now just seems like a family drama. We have to understand why her being a cyborg hunter is relevant to the plot. If it’s important enough to include in the logline, it MUST be apparent why it’s important to the plot.

      I’m guessing her father abandoned her when she was a baby, otherwise she’d have some recollections of him? Possibly worth clarifying to avoid any confusion. Ambiguity is where loglines go to die!

      Hope this helps.

      • 1
      • Reply
      • Share
        Share
        • Share on Facebook
        • Share on Twitter
        • Share on LinkedIn
        • Share on WhatsApp
    2. Mike Pedley Singularity
      2020-07-31T00:49:08+10:00Added an answer on July 31, 2020 at 12:49 am

      The end.

      One of my pet peeves in loglines is referring to the protagonist as “young man” or “young woman”. This is your protagonist. They deserve better!

      It also bugs me when people don’t proof read. I’m guessing this should be “follow in the footsteps”.

      Ok… so he’s become a cyborg hunter. Now what? Why did he make this decision. In other words, we need an inciting incident and a goal. Two things which are fundamental in a logline because everything within the story exists within these two tent poles.

      Give it another go and try and tell us who, specifically, is your protagonist, what he’s trying to achieve and why.

      • 1
      • Reply
      • Share
        Share
        • Share on Facebook
        • Share on Twitter
        • Share on LinkedIn
        • Share on WhatsApp
    3. Philippe Le Miere Logliner
      2020-07-30T17:06:51+10:00Added an answer on July 30, 2020 at 5:06 pm

      The achievement in this post is the recognition that “change” is integral to story.

      To be a complete logline, however, this question of “changing” must be addressed.

      The answer can be found in the inciting incident. Cause and Effect. Why might a young man take steps to be adopt a family tradition?

      This story fragment makes me think of ‘The Godfather’. However, what makes the story arc of Godfather so compelling is how a young man “doesn’t” want to adopt the old ways -> only to end up becoming a cyborg hunter (read ‘Gangster’).

      • 0
      • Reply
      • Share
        Share
        • Share on Facebook
        • Share on Twitter
        • Share on LinkedIn
        • Share on WhatsApp
      • IvyEight6 Penpusher
        2020-08-03T06:19:14+10:00Replied to answer on August 3, 2020 at 6:19 am

        I revised it.

        • 0
        • Reply
        • Share
          Share
          • Share on Facebook
          • Share on Twitter
          • Share on LinkedIn
          • Share on WhatsApp

    Sidebar

    Stats

    • Loglines 8,000
    • Reviews 32,189
    • Best Reviews 629
    • Users 3,729

    screenwriting courses

    Adv 120x600

    aalan

    Explore

    • Signup

    Footer

    © 2022 Karel Segers. All Rights Reserved
    With Love from Immersion Screenwriting.