Penpusher
Posted: 2016-02-09T05:37:16+10:00 In:

A young mechanic discovers the spaceship she stole from dry dock is capable of ending the civil war between organic and synthetic life forms, but first she must convince the on-board AI to choose a side.

A young mechanic discovers the spaceship she stole from dry dock is capable of ending the civil war between organic and synthetic life forms, but first she must convince the on-board AI to choose a side.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I believe this logline would be improved with a different inciting incident.

      The inciting incident should tell the reader why the lead character is
      personally invested in stopping the war.

      The goal of a character should be the most important thing in their lives;
      it should mean the whole world to them.

      Adding the element to the logline that tells us why stopping the war is
      personally important to the lead character
      will greatly improve the logline and draw
      in the reader.

      Hope that helps, good luck with this!

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    2. Singularity

      What Richiev said.

      Also convincing the AI to chose the correct side in the war is only a small part of the story, what happens after that?

      What is it the MC needs to achieve once she convinces the AI to help? This needs to be clearly described in the logline.

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    3. Singularity

      I don’t entirely buy into the logic of the?logline.? It?seems to?advance a story line?where the woman really?doesn’t care which side of the civil war the AI chooses, only that the AI make a choice.? But surely she herself?would favor one side or the other. ?And?she would be less than human if she didn’t try to ?persuade the AI to make the same choice. (Unless the Big Reveal is that she’s a synthetic life form.)

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    4. Logliner

      Why is the fact that she stole the spaceship important? Also, is she somehow uniquely qualified to convince the AI to make a decision (e.g. does she have some AI components in her body)? ?There’s an intriguing set up here, but we’re not getting the essence of the conflict.

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    5. Uberwriter

      I would drop the dry dock, where she stole the ship isn’t important to the story.

      A Civil War is normally between the same sort of people. ?So make it just a war, less words, less confusion.

      Why she needs to convince the ship to could be explained a little now that you have room. ?I see nothing wrong with a story being based around a person trying to convince a machine to make a decision. ?A good argument can be a great story.

      So edit and put the new version as a comment. Interested in seeing it.

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