into the fire
A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
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Too wordy. “Young” is somewhat of a bland adjective; you might want to be more specific about the “considerable magical powers” and get rid of that phrase. Find a magical power that might be ironic or associated with his profession as a miner, then make the power conflict with his overall goal. Superman had super powers, except he had no powers against krptonite, which ironically, came from his own home planet, Krypton; “yearning for a better life” is also a generic goal. Logline needs work.
Geno Scala- judge.
You say it’s too wordy, but that I should “Find a magical power that might be ironic or associated with his profession as a miner, then make the power conflict with his overall goal.” I’m afraid I don’t understand how I’m going to do all of that, and make it less wordy. And frankly it sounds like you’re trying to rewrite my story.
I have to agree with Shark – too wordy. But let’s try to condense it without losing the soul of your story. How about this: “A mineworker, blessed with magical powers, must choose between warring power-hungry wizard factions to find true happiness.” Keep loglines down to one sentence – concise is the key. Now the “warring” piece may not relate to your story, but I wanted to give a hint or some sense of conflict.
thanks, jimnewman75, that’s much closer to the direction I think it needs to go! Now I have something to work with. 🙂
Jeff
Awesome! Run with it! 🙂
His apprenticeship to these wizards occupies a full 2/3 of the book, and at the start is *the* thing he most wants, so I feel it needs to be included. And the warring factions aren’t just wizards — there are several groups who all want the same thing (or prevent the thing from being obtained).
So, what about this:
A mineworker, blessed with magical powers that earn him an apprenticeship with a group of dark wizards, finds that he can only gain the meaningful life he seeks by choosing between warring, power-hungry factions.
Or is that getting too wordy again? It does still feel just a bit long, but it’s very close.
I should have added that what I like about this is that it colors that ‘meaningful life’ he seeks — that is, he is now looking at a cost that may not be worth it.
I think it works! I just have only two tweaks with it …
(1) Replace “dark” wizards with something a bit more shocking or ironic like “unscrupulous” or “immoral” or “deceitful”. When I think of wizards, I think about the ones that operate for the power of good. So I’ve twisted this notion with an ironic adjective …
(2) I’m on the fence with using “meaningful”. I understand what you mean – you want to emphasize this goal. But if the mineworker is seeking a life other than the one he’s led up to this point, then I feel it’s inferred already and doesn’t need to be echoed in the logline. Thoughts?
Oh yes! how about “duplicitous” — that describes them to a T. And yes, I think the adjective before “life” can come out altogether. So:
A mineworker, blessed with magical powers that earn him an apprenticeship with a group of duplicitous wizards, finds that he can only gain the life he seeks by choosing between warring, power-hungry factions.
Rock & Roll – I like it! How’s this just to cut a couple of extraneous words:
“A mineworker, blessed with magical powers, earns an apprenticeship with a group of dupliticitous wizards and discovers that he can only live the life he seeks by choosing between warring, power-hungry factions.”
Or is it paralysis from over-analysis? haha
Ha! Well, I think we’re getting into “six dozen of one, half of the other territory” (sic — my grandmother used to say that when things were going over the edge).
I like what you suggest — more active — BUT, he hasn’t found that life yet, and won’t until the end of Book 1 — of course, that sets off a whole new set of problems that we meet in book 2.
Thanks so much for your input, Jim! I appreciate it very much.
Jeff
OH… but I do like your change to the first part… only just noticed it. Will use that.
And by the way, I already posted it on facebook and got one hilarious response: “So, he’s the average American voter?” Hey, I could do worse than having my fantasy novel be allegory for American politics, right?
You’re very welcome! And greatly appreciate your help with shaping mine, too.
LOL – well, ’tis the voting season! 🙂
Well, my editor doesn’t like it: “First, I don’t like “blessed” as it sounds religious. And at the start he barely has any powers and struggles to increase them. I think of a blessing as being something that comes easily and Tyrlak is fighting to learn to do magic. (Of course, he really has lots of it, but is fighting to learn to control it, but that doesn’t translate to a blessing either.)”
Ok, back to the drawing board. We can make some adjustments. So if he comes INTO the magic powers, then how about this?
A mineworker, who struggles to control his newfound magical powers, earns an apprenticeship with a group of dupliticitous wizards and discovers that he can only live the life he seeks by choosing between warring, power-hungry factions.?
Not giving up on this!! 🙂 Let me know if this works; otherwise, we can bounce ideas back and forth until we get there.
I think that’s certainly closer to what she would want.
A friend of mine who is an obsessive reader of fantasy (and has read my 30-page synopsis), also didn’t like it and suggested something more like this:
“A mineworker with the ability to alter the outcome of a war between power-hungry factions, earns his apprenticeship under a sect of duplicitous wizards, but then must choose between the factions in order to gain the life he desires.”
Not great, and gives too much away (the MC does become the linchpin in the result of the war, but we don’t want to say that here, i don’t think), but I do like some of the more vivid language — “sect” instead of “group”, the reference to war (the title of the book is “War of the Unwanted”).
Agreed – “sect” is a better word. And I’m with you again – while it’s good, it gives up too much (doesn’t leave anything to the imagination).
Question: does the MC have the ability to alter the outcome? Is that ability directly related to his magic powers? Or simply the impact of his decision to join one sect or the other?
If you want to share your 30-pager with me, then that could help me wrap my arms around this one.
Well, things have changed a lot since I originally wrote it. But I think you’ll get the idea if you want to read the first 3 chapters (I can send you more, if you want):
http://jefferycotton.com/first-chapters-from-war-of-the-unwanted/war-of-the-unwanted/
“finding personal happiness” is too abstract and not an “exploitable commercial element”. It should be in the theme rather than in the logline.