A young na?ve soldier in love gets her leave denied but decides to go AWOL to fulfill her dying boyfriend’s wish only to find out that he has a more sinister plan behind those weary eyes.
chrisholaniPenpusher
A young na?ve soldier in love gets her leave denied but decides to go AWOL to fulfill her dying boyfriend’s wish only to find out that he has a more sinister plan behind those weary eyes.
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In response to what RussellN said, ?saying the character is both young and naive is repetitive, in fact I would drop both those adjectives because they do not really add anything. You say she is a soldier but what does she do? Does she drive a Tank? Does she defuse bombs? give us a job description that may come in handy later on in the film.
“When her dying boyfriend asks her to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge as his last wish, an AWOL demolition expert must…”
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Agree with Dkpough. ?Particularly on the hook.
What’s the hook that is intended to reel readers in, to make them want to read the script? ?Is it that she goes ?awol or his sinister plan.? I’m guessing it’s the latter. ?If it is, “sinister plan” is ?vague; it doesn’t provide enough bait on the hook to reel readers in; ?they need something more specific, more substantial.
fwiw.
“A young na?ve soldier in love gets her leave denied but decides to go AWOL to fulfill her dying boyfriend?s wish only to find out that he has a more sinister plan behind those weary eyes.”
You have a clear inciting incident, but it doesn’t have a causal relationship with the goal stated. The goal is also vague, as is the last part. What plan? Isn’t her real goal to stop this sinister plan?
I suggest reforming the logline around the inciting incident being the soldier discovering the plan and then her goal being to stop it. It doesn’t help to be vague in a logline. You’re pitching it to describe the story you want someone to put money into. Not a vague idea.
To me you don’t have a strong enough hook presented. Why would someone want to read this script? Produce the story? Why would someone want to spend 2 hours watching it? The only thing that sort of hooks me is at the end, buried underneath backstory and vague descriptions.
Try “When a young, naive soldier is denied leave?and goes AWOL, she discovers ?her dying boyfriend has a sinister plan “. ?Can you see that it says the same thing but the phrasing is?more “punchy”? ?Now over to the real experts.