A young, self-absorbed man struggles to come to grips with his flaws and regrets as evidenced by three important moments in his life – the news that his girlfriend is pregnant, the birth of his daughter, and his daughter?s high school graduation.
klee4Logliner
A young, self-absorbed man struggles to come to grips with his flaws and regrets as evidenced by three important moments in his life – the news that his girlfriend is pregnant, the birth of his daughter, and his daughter?s high school graduation.
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This is much better that the orther version! The only part that is akward is when you mention his flaw without specifying what it is. The structure made me think of Steve Jobs movie, it’s a good idea.
I presume he’s looking backward over a span of 18 years.? Whatever, it needs clarification.
And as CraigDGriffiths said film is a visual medium.? What’s the visual on ?”struggling with thoughts”??? And “struggling with thoughts” is a?subjective problem??not an objective goal.? And loglines are about objective goals.
The biggest problem with the logline is that it doesn’t have a plot that promises tension and suspense.? The?story line seems to be?a?string of pearls, memories?strung together.??But a plot is not a string of pearls.? A plot is about a protagonist who wants something?looking forward in his life, wants to do more than merely reminisce looking backwards.? Who wants something bad enough to?pit himself against an antagonist and obstacles to obtain it.
Struggle to come to grips is too vague. ?Plus a script is a visual media. ?Someone struggling with their thoughts is hard to imagine. Plus my wife was 18 when our son was born. ?She was 36 when he graduated – far from young (sorry my dear). ?A young man can’t have a graduating daughter – sounds like I am picking, but that is what I think as a reader.