A young warrior wonders the wastelands of earth, seeking knowledge and strength to defend herself and others. Can she protect and help those who become her companions from, bandits, emperors and legendary warriors?
David PassmorePenpusher
A young warrior wonders the wastelands of earth, seeking knowledge and strength to defend herself and others. Can she protect and help those who become her companions from, bandits, emperors and legendary warriors?
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>>>Yancy I guess is mostly just looking for martial arts lore
Any lore she’s looking for ought not be an objective goal in itself, but rather a means to a more emotionally compelling goal, like find and save her kin.
A series – I see.
In that case, you need to describe the ongoing story mechanism that will keep on producing dramatic needs and or conflict instead of a single thread plot.
This is different to a film in several ways, but most of the principles still apply.
Her story comes across as similar to that of Caine’s in Kung Fu.
What makes her a warrior? Was she a former soldier prior to the apocalypse? Was she trained as a child by a martial artist or an assassin?
What made her wander the desert instead of settling down?
“her familiar” = her family?
It seems to me that her role is better framed as “A young, untested warrior must lead her family across a desert wasteland to escape a violent bandit gang.”
However, the logline still lacks an inciting incident.? To wit, why is it her job to lead the family or clan?? What happened to all the elders, the seasoned warriors who would provide the leadership in the crisis?? Why has the task fallen upon her shoulders?
Also why would a bunch of bandits pursue them?? When obviously the loot the bandits covet would have been left behind.? ?As a matter of sheer survival the group would have to travel as light, as unencumbered, as possible.? The loot is what the bandits really want, isn’t it?
This logline constitutes plotting with a shotgun:? it essentially says the warrior must save everyone who is a victim from everyone who is a villain.
That is counterproductive because shotgun plots? diffuse the energy of the action and dilute the emotional impact.? (Not to mention violate Aristotle’s Unity of Action principle which is accepted as the preferred way to organize dramatic action.)
The logline needs to plot with a rifle:? One bullet, one specific course of action , aimed at solving one specific problem by?saving?one specific person (or one group of people, like a village) from?one specific villain.
If you have in mind a hero who goes hither and? thither on one rescue mission after another, then that is the basis for an episodic series.? (Like the Mad Max film series.) Each episode would focus on one dramatic problem, one villain, one course of? dramatic action.?
Even then, the logline should focus on the plot of the? pilot episode:? one incident incident, one bad guy, one? objective goal,
(A logline need not end with a question. Lloglines imply a dramatic question to be answered — but never explicitly state it. )
First question that comes to mind is; Well, can she?
You need to tell us not let us guess. Check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar to learn more about loglines.
What is her flaw? What event motivates her to take action? And, most importantly, what is her goal?
The more personal the goal, the more compelling the story will be.
Is there something motivating your character; something personal and compelling?
If so adding that element to the logline will improve it greatly.