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SaintPeterPenpusher
Posted: November 20, 20132013-11-20T10:43:31+10:00 2013-11-20T10:43:31+10:00In: Public

After a career-threatening injury puts back a dream of becoming one of soccer?s elite, a teenage boy must rediscover his form and prove his doubters wrong.

The Comeback

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    4 Reviews

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    1. dpg Singularity
      2013-11-20T14:17:15+10:00Added an answer on November 20, 2013 at 2:17 pm

      SaintPeter:

      Others mileage may vary, but I personally liked the concept of the character in the earlier iteration of your story. That is, a boy whose career-threatening injury is his self-confidence and courage which has been battered by bullying. It’s an unambiguous character flaw that raises the stakes and dramatic tension in his struggle to realize his dream of playing soccer.

      A career-threatening physical injury can be a complication, of course, but it’s the psychological injury from bullying that, in my opinion, is the plus factor in your story, the concept that can give the story emotional depth and resonance.

      My only objection to the previous version is similar to my only objection to this one: a clear-cut statement of his objective goal. Of course, his secret dream is to become an elite soccer player, but how does that translate into an specific, concrete objective goal? “Rediscover his form and prove his doubters wrong” are not goals; they are means to an end, plot points along the way to the goal. And that goal is whatever he struggles to achieve and finally achieve at the climax. What exactly does he do, what exactly does he accomplish in that final moment of truth in Act 3?

      Whatever it is, I submit that amounts his objective goal for the purpose of the film and for the purpose of a specific goal statement in the logline.

      fwiw.

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    2. CamillaBeskow
      2013-11-21T02:25:38+10:00Added an answer on November 21, 2013 at 2:25 am

      You have a clear story, but I feel I’m missing the details.

      To paint a mental picture of what we’re actually going to be watching for at least 90 minutes, I would add HOW he attempts to do this. What does he need to do to “rediscover his form and prove his doubters wrong?”

      I’m sure you have more to the story than just watching him work out throughout the whole film, but that is basicallly all I can read from this logline.

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    3. saxenashanu
      2013-11-21T15:57:04+10:00Added an answer on November 21, 2013 at 3:57 pm

      It seems like a cliche to me. Can you describe what’s the newness here. A simple twist will do it, i guess.

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    4. Christopher Penpusher
      2013-11-23T04:21:17+10:00Added an answer on November 23, 2013 at 4:21 am

      I agree with the interest of the story, and I can see the goal. I think what can make this log line better, is stating the injury. “After being set on fire…”

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