After a failed ritual to resurrect their mother severely damages their bodies, two young alchemists search for the mythical Philosopher’s Stone to restore themselves.
Dkpough1Uberwriter
After a failed ritual to resurrect their mother severely damages their bodies, two young alchemists search for the mythical Philosopher’s Stone to restore themselves.
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One of the things Nir’s logline example solves is the problem of having two goals in your logline. First, your characters want to resurrect their mother. A strong goal. Then once they are hurt they completely?abandon their dead mother in order to help themselves. Kind of a selfish goal.
By just saying, they are disfigured by a resurrection spell and leaving out the dead mother, it helps focus the logline on the actual problem.
Honestly, from a story standpoint, it would be better if after failing to resurrect their mother, the two brothers realize they need to find the philosophers stone to complete the ritual and save their mother.
Best to avoid the IMDB blurbs altogether, these are often taglines and could very well be written by fans, not professionals.
As a whole, your logline reads well, but the one issue is that they cause the inciting incident to affect themselves. A rule of thumb worth remembering is that most of the best inciting incidents are done to, not by, the main character. Also, their goal would be to find, not search for the stone.
So, it might read better (and may have worked better in the series) if the logline would be written as:
After a being disfigured by a resurrection ritual, two brother alchemists must find the mythical philosopher’s stone to restore themselves.