After a failed stint as a professional motorcycle racer, a middle aged man, on the verge of losing everything, takes to the streets and races his way up the street racing ladder.
IDredManPenpusher
After a failed stint as a professional motorcycle racer, a middle aged man, on the verge of losing everything, takes to the streets and races his way up the street racing ladder.
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“When his home is to be foreclosed, a disgraced professional cyclist takes up illegal street racing to pay off the bank.”
The logline describes a character and situation, but lacks a inciting incident and goal i.e a clear plot description.
As Richieve suggested it can use some clarification of the stakes to explain why is he so motivated to do what he does. I would suggest to push the stakes even more make him a family man so the need for a house is greater than just his own comfort.
My try:
After his home is threatened with foreclosure a disgraced professional race driver, and single father of two, must take up illegal street racing to pay off the debt.
“When he loses his job as a wall street investor, a former dirt bike prodigy takes up illegal street racing to save his home from being foreclosed and his children taken away, but must keep it a secret from his ex-wife’s police officer boyfriend.”
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1: I was more specific on what job he loses. (Instead of just saying white collar job)
2: I added that he was a prodigy, this implies that he may have turned away from his passion of racing, for a regular job.
3: I kept dpg’s idea of having children to ‘up the stakes’
4: I added something standing in the way, a police officer with a grudge.
Hope that help’s
The latest draft of the logline seems rather bland on account of the stakes being mundane and not personal. If he loses his house he’ll be sad but will survive, he’ll get a job elsewhere and find a place to rent – no biggi. If however, he has kids or other dependants his actions will impact them and consequently?increase the stakes.
Think of Will Smith’s character in The Pursuit of Happiness, if it were not for his boy the film wouldn’t have been as dramatic as it was.