Unlucky 13 (or Conviction)
After a former star witness is kidnapped by an escaped (or exonerated) killer she must find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
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Hi 11Shareef,
It sounds like a story that could have a lot of great cinematic suspense!
In essence, this is a good logline. Here are a few thoughts:
– although the story seems structurally fine, I’m missing the spark of something truly original
– the hero (‘star witness (f)’) is kept very bland. Perhaps she has a behavioural flaw she overcomes in the course of the story? I would like to get a better feel for the hero before I can get excited.
– remove brackets from the logline. No either/or. Pick one.
– add a comma after ‘killer’; this will make it read better.
I hope this helps!
Thank You! I’ve been in need of feedback so I can try to write, because I am not above help! The brackets are because I’m not sure if it should be escaped or exonerated. If exonerated I vision the witness to be somewhat unreliable and have misidentified him for a murder she witnessed. With out her identification it would’ve been a circumstantial case.
I have a flaw and a subplot set in place. I won’t touch too much into the subplot, but it does deal with her developing a track record of dishonesty. It does hurt the sympathy the character can gain, but she’s still kidnapped by a maniac on a killing spree. She will have to overcome her dishonesty in the story, because it’s crucial to both the subplot and main plot. Regardless, here’s what I have now:
“After an unreliable former star witness is kidnapped by an exonerated convict, she must stop him as he hunts down the jury who convicted him a decade ago.”
Ok, let us look at what you have.
First, use a word processor program to check for spelling and grammar.
BEFORE –
After a former star witness is kidnapped by an escaped (or exonerated) killer she must find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
AFTER –
After an escaped (or exonerated) killer kidnaps a former star witness, she must find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
I forgot to ask, is this person an escaped killer or exonerated?
Well, now I’ve put some work into it. It’s fleshed out more now and I’ve decided on the either/or. I’m looking more for advice on the overall plot now and where I can take it…. or if I should even pursue it.
Here’s what it’s looking like now:
When a twenty-something convenience store clerk witnesses a murder, she wrongfully identifies the killer. Now, a decade later she?s at the mercy of the exonerated convict as he kidnaps her and hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
Problem. If he were exonerated, would he really risk ending up on death row when caught? Now, if he is an escaped killer, he will feel that he has nothing to lose.
It is a concern, but that could be up to personality types. That would be the most logical thing to do, stay straight, but I’m thinking another person may want revenge on who put him there. I mentally toyed with both but I just think it adds more of a dramatic sense if he really was innocent to begin with and we know shes the reason he’s there to begin with.
I’m having a harder time figuring out how he would go about finding a record of who was the jurors on his case a decade ago.
That is a problem.
Not every jury is anonymous. Some places it’s not a requirement. They just don’t go and and physically post them somewhere. They did in the Casey Anthony case and she got off. It might just be a library news paper thing and then looking the people themselves up manually. I don’t plan to have this done over night so I have time to figure out the logistics, but it’s not completely impossible.
I would suggest doing research for stories where this actually happened. Look into interviewing law enforcement officers, lawyers, et cetera.
Thank you, yeah. I’m getting the basic bones of it together right now. Just seeing if it’s worth writing. I think it as. I’ve gotten my plot points together and I like what I have. After I get my treatment together I’ll do some research to see if there’s a better way to do things than what I figure out. But I do want your opinion, do you think it’s a worthwhile story? I’ve seen some more over the top fantasy plots here and I’ve seen more independent personal dramas, but me I’m more of a gritty personal thriller. So I do want opinions as far as if its worth while.
I don’t think your alternative is improving the grammar, as the sentence structure now suggests that the killer … must stop him.
But hey, I’m only a philologist… 😛
Actually, it is the same thing. The first half of the sentence was just flipped around, is all. The star witness still has to find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
BEFORE ?
After a former star witness is kidnapped by an escaped (or exonerated) killer,
she must find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
AFTER ?
After an escaped (or exonerated) killer kidnaps a former star witness,
she must find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
Why has the witness been kidnapped and kept alive while the killer goes around and murders the jury who convicted him? Why does he keep her alive, or bring her along at all?