Sister from hell!
After a lifetime of putting up with her beautiful but vain twin sister, Maddy finds a way to pay her back in doses.
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When a story begins, everything is normal. The leads life can be “all messed up,” as long as that’s the norm.
Then something happens, an event that changes things and takes the character out of their normal routine. “After his daughter is kidnapped.” “After her secret crush is mugged and falls into a coma.” “After his best friend and his woman, leave him for dead and steal his share of the loot”
Your logline is missing that element.
“After a lifetime of putting up with her beautiful but vain twin sister” That’s the norm. If she’s put up with with her vain sister her entire life, Why now? What happened to make the lead want to “Pay her back”
Add that event, that “inciting incident” to your logline and it will improve dramatically.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Richiev is correct, but I would add that the second sentence clause is far too vague; what does “pay her back in spades” actually mean? Not only is it vague, it’s also a cliche. The logline should contain specific actions that reveal what your story is about and how it will play out.
^ what these two cats said. Get specific with the character’s goal, as EdgeWriter says.
thanks guys, appreciate it. will turn it around and run it by you again asap. be sure to comment.
Doses of what?