Samurai
Posted: 2017-08-01T09:46:41+10:00 In:

After a near drowning awakens an ability to commune with evil spirits, (12) a cowardly teenager must struggle to resist when a bushfire causes unbearably hot summer nights. (27)

Drama / Horror / Mystery

Revised version

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    9 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      The inciting incident and goal set by the protagonist are causally connected. What does gaining this new ability have anything at all to do with hot summer night?

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    2. Samurai

      After a near drowning awakens an ability to commune with evil spirits, (12) a cowardly teenager’s struggles to resist making contact lead to a deeper understanding of his ability. (28)

      I have a story. I’m just really struggling to get it to fit into the logline nutshell.

      The whole bushfire thing is a big part of the story but I understand what you mean when you say it sounds unrelated. I know the story too well whereas the reader understands only what he reads.

      Thanks DK. Ive been bouncing around a lot between different versions of the same story but this is the original idea and if I could choose this would, hands down, be the story I’d most love to tell.

      Any further assistance would be most appreciated. I’ve been struggling for a very long time with this story now. Almost 10 years.

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    3. Samurai

      MC’s flaw = he is a coward but rightly so.
      MC’s Inciting Incident = Near drowning results in ability to commune with evil spirits.
      MC’s main action = struggles to resist his ability. He doesn’t want to make contact with evil spirits.
      MC’s goal = to keep evil at bay. To keep his distance from a world of evil spirits he has no desire whatsoever to be a part of.

      Does this help?

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    4. Samurai

      After a near drowning awakens an ability to commune with evil spirits, (12) a cowardly teenager’s struggles to resist lead to a confrontation with forces, forgotten but never forsaken. (28)

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    5. Singularity

      I think the drowning can be done away with in the logline.

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    6. Singularity

      Similar reaction to Richiev and Foxtrot25. ?The brush fire element just doesn’t make dramatic sense to me. ?By dramatic sense, I mean the problem doesn’t seem to logically follow from the initial situation and inciting incident. ?I don’t see the cause-and-effect relationship between nearly drowning and the fire. Or communing with evil spirits and the fire.

      And he’s cowardly, but all he needs to do to overcome that flaw is to “resist”? ?And resist what?

      Resist may be a necessary 1st step, but I think the action line should be about more than merely resisting. As the protagonist, what proactive, forward moving step must he take?

      fwiw

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    7. Samurai

      I’m giving up on this story until I can get something normal right. This thing has been a pain in the ass for 10 years now.

      Moving on to something with more action.

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    8. Singularity

      “When a brush fire forces him to evacuate his spiritually protected hide out, a teen with avoidant personality disorder must discover a way to defeat the evil spirit that is stalking him.”

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    9. Singularity

      When I said, you can skip the drowning, I just meant in the logline, not the story as a whole. What sets the story in motion is the avoidant teen forced to leave his hideout. Now the action actually begins.

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